Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Risk Everything, Regret Nothing.

Around the end of April, things started to get crazy. It was an emotional time. It was around then when I wrote F.B. an email asking if we could exchange phone numbers.

I have something serious & completely crazy to ask you? If I gave you my cell phone number- would you give me yours? I want to call you. I need to talk to you. I need to actually TALK to you- so I know I'm not crazy. Actually, I'm not sure how to call you- I wonder if there's country codes or whatever the heck... arrgh. If I called you at 1 or 2am tonight, that would mean it's 1pm or 2pm Saturday where you are, right? I mean, if you actually agreed to this crazy idea. Write me back, I'm here. Sarah
You sure you really wanna do that? Cuz if you do, then I'm OK with it. -F.B.
I'm sure, why wouldn't I be sure? I eventually wanted to talk to you anyway, but I was hoping it would be closer to our birthdays. But everything is so crazy, and I feel like I need to talk to you, actually talk to you, and know this is real, and know that we're not crazy, lol. That we're in this together. I'm okay with it. I am. I trust you, I hope you trust me. Okay my cell phone number is: Now that's my local number. I don't know if there's any code you need to use in front of that... not sure. I've never ever called outside the country. -Sarah
Here's my cellphone no.: 1 to 2 pm would be OK. Tell me when you're calling. -F.B.
Do you know which is your city code? I found out the country code is 63. But I need to find out your city code.... -Sarah

Gosh! I'm not sure, I'll have to ask someone about that. I'll tell you once I find out. Trust me. Anyway, I need to go. Good night, Sarah. Love you. F.B.

Hey Love... sorry I made you stay up so late, I feel bad about that. I'm sitting here, this awful feeling in my stomach, and feeling like I want to cry. How did things get so serious? I hope we can get those city, and country codes all worked out. Maybe you're aunt visiting from the USA- would know something about calling to the Philippines, and even calling to the USA. I want to talk to you. I feel like I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice, I need to know this is real, that we really are in this together. Email buddy? lol... so that's what you told your parents? Gosh F... I feel like we've gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for. Think about it. Is this actually going to work? Are we going to try to make it work? I want to. But at the same time, I feel like we are going to have to overcome, alot of difficulties in this relationship- if we really are going to make it work. (We can't even figure out how to call each other... LOL.) Eventually down the line, who knows when- we'll probably meet each other. Then we'll definitely know whether or not this is what we want. If we really want to be with each other for the long run.

But then there are our families. I'm not that close to my mom either, lol. I mean I tell her more than my dad. But when I think about telling her about us, about you. I start hearing all the negative things in my mind. Things like this, "You better be careful- you could meet a molester online! People have been murdered by people they met online! You don't even know him! You haven't even met him!" Typical stereotyping. This is what I fear I face from alot of people in my family in the future. Maybe I'm over reacting though, I don't really know.

These are just some of the fears, and thoughts I have deep down inside about us. About what we face in the future. I love you so much, I mean that. I don't want to lose you. And I know no matter what happens- that if we love each other and want to be with each other then things will happen, they will work out... but gosh... why is life so hard mahal ko? I wish I could talk with you. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, I love you. I'll talk to you online tomorrow. I love you, Sarah

WOW! I wish I could cheer you up. But if that's the way you feel, then I'm with you. Don't let other peoples' comments get you down though, they're just that- comments. Every one's got their own view of things. Kinda like around here at the forum. Anyway, feel free to scream away all your frustrations at me.....I'll listen. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you. F.B.

Yea! I figured it out! I know how to call you now, LOL! YOU HAVE THE CITY CODE IN YOUR NUMBER ALREADY! LOL! -Sarah

Hi Sarah! I'm kinda nervous about this. LoL! But Saturday sounds good. -F.B.

I'm nervous too. Do know by then it will have been a whole month since we said, 'I love you.' Why does it feel like I've lived alot more in this month, then I have in the past few years.... lol. Do you feel like that? -Sarah

I'm sure to be nervous, talking to someone I like so much. I just know I'm gonna sound like a dork on the phone.....Oh well, at least I've warned you. LoL! And yes- "I do" feel like that. As for sad e-mails, you know you can always lay it down on me. I'm always around to listen. Mahal kita, Sarah. -F.B.

That morning I tried calling him, but I couldn't get it to work. The country code thing was confusing and I kept getting error messages. I was sitting at the computer getting ready to email him, when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was him! (Months later he admitted he called me accidentally, he was waiting up for my call and playing around with his phone and accidentally dialed my number, it starting ringing so he stayed on the phone.)

It was so weird hearing each other's voices for the first time. I can't explain it. I felt so nervous and I could tell he was nervous too. He was so quiet! The entire call was maybe 5 minutes long, but it felt more like 30 minutes. Afterwards, I got off the phone and cried. I just felt so silly, because we didn't have much to say to each other, yet we always wrote such long emails. And it was just weird talking to someone you've known for so many months... someone you've said, "I love you too." yet have never heard their voice. Talking on the phone became easier over time, but the first time we ever talked on the phone was just awkward!

Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! I actually called you. After the call, I was thinking- "Did I just do what I think I did?". OMG! I can't believe it. It's my first time to call a girl like that. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to punch myself. LoL! Though, it was really nice to hear your voice and to hear you laugh. -F.B.

Hi Sarah! I remember the time I called you. I was thinking to myself- "You dork! You should've said this, you should've said that". LoL! After that, I checked how much I had left on my phone and YIKES!.....never mind. LoL! Anyway, I can't help but smile when I heard your voice and that British accent you did was pretty darn good. It's odd how I actually got to call you but my text message never pulled through. What the---? Take your time and get some rest. I'll just be here. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Good night. Have a nice weekend. Luv ya, F.B.

Another goodnight call, eh? I was actually thinking- "I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah called", but.....I was still surprised anyway. I just put my phone on the comp. table then all of a sudden it rang and I had the vibration thing on, you know how that is. LoL! Now who would call me at 2 in the morning, I wonder? Haha! You are too much. I can't get enough of you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.

You called me again. LoL! I love hearing your voice. It puts a smile on my face. "I love you"- I love saying that to you on the phone and I love it when I hear you say it too. I was kinda surprised with the "I love you, I love you, I love you" thing you did on the phone though. LoL! I wasn't expecting that. You make me smile so much. I love you, I love you, I love you, F.B.

Around the end of April, I wrote my Mother a letter. I wanted to tell her about F.B. and I before things went any farther. I'm not so good at face-to-face confrontations, and I am better writing my thoughts down, rather than speaking them... so I wrote her a long letter about us. I was scared to death of what she was going to say. But I was completely right in thinking she would stereotype us. She wrote me a whole letter back, telling me all the things I didn't want to hear. That he could be a molester. That he was just telling me whatever I wanted to hear. That he just wanted a US citizenship. That I should hire an investigator, to check him out, and prove he was who he said he was. I felt sick. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. It was so complicated, what had I gotten myself into?! I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and confused, I decided maybe it would be better if F & I were just friends...maybe I was crazy. After crying in my bed for a few hours until I felt numb, I wrote him an email.

Okay, this is how I feel right now, I feel like things have gotten really intense- I mean I know they have, at least with my feelings. And at the moment things are not working in our favor. We have all the time in the world, and no need to rush into things, or make quick decisions that could ruin our lives. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been confused for the past couple days, and I need a break from everything. That doesn't mean you have to stop writing me, I'd really cry then! haha. I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us. I'm feeling like, if I put my whole self into this- what if I just get burned? Because you are so far away from me. There are so many things that are going to get in our way. And I don't know if I can do that right now. Because I didn't like how I was feeling the other night- when I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. I don't know if I want to hurt like that again- and I feel like, if we keep things this intense, and then it doesn't work out- I don't know... I don't want to think about how I'm going to feel, or how long it's going to take me to get over you. So maybe we can step back a little and work on being friends more, and put less focus on the relationship part right now. I need that I think, I need to think about things clearly. I want to still email you, I will still mail your my letter, but I think you understand what I'm trying to ramble on about, lol. Write me later. -Sarah

Stepping back?.....If that's your decision, I respect that. I respect you. I don't want to force you into anything or rush things. Don't cry.....Oh, how I wish I could put a smile on your face. If you need a friend, I'll always be here. Take care, God bless. F.B.

I decided to vent to my friend Jimmy about the situation, things were so complicated and I needed to get my thoughts out.

Jimmy, Yes the Philippines are really far away... but you never know what could happen. And he is a nice guy, after two years, I didn't think I would find anyone that I would be interested in again. I didn't think I'd find someone that would actually listen to me, be goofy with my, or even read through the bible with me and have it be HIS idea.

Only, things have gotten worse, not with F. I talked to my mother about things, about us communicating through email, and letters. And she wrote this whole letter back, saying how he could be a molester, or how he could be saying anything to me, anything that I want to hear. How I should talk to Pastor about things. How if I want to meet someone, I should go to a Christian singles group. How I should hire an investigator, to prove he is really who he says he is.


I said, Mother," I have his picture, I have his letters, postmarked from the Philippines." She said," How do know that's really his picture?" She said, "How do you know he isn't trying to marry you or something just to come to this country. " I said, "I have his number let's call him, you can talk to him. " She says, "I don't want to talk to him."

I don't know what to do. This guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a long time. He actually has me reading my bible. We talk about things serious things, stupid things, goofy things. And maybe he is really far away, but you never know what could happen. I don't know how to prove to my parents, that he is who he says he is. I believe who he is. He's never once said something to me in the past 7 months that would make me doubt him. I cried so much last night, because I've gotten into this so deep, I feel like if I lose him, then I lose myself. I've had my heart broken before, I don't know if I could take that again. One of the happiest times in my life, has overnight become the worst. The only thing I can think to ever prove to them, he is who he is. Is to go ahead, and do this dumb Investigator thing. I know everything about him. So that wouldn't be a problem. My mom left me some Christian yellow pages, with some investigator place circled. I don't want to lose him, so if that's what it takes, then I guess that's what I have to do. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem like when I actually have something going for me, when I'm actually looking forward to something in my life- that everything falls apart on me? Maybe it's a test, I don't know- but I'd do whatever it takes to not have this relationship fall apart. Jimmy O, pray about this situation will you. God bless, Sarah


Hi Sarah! Ya know, your parents are just doing their job. You're their only daughter and they're just trying to protect you. They don't really know me and it's understandable that they would be worried. I understand that and I respect that. They love you and you know that. But when you think of it- all we've been doing is e-mailing each other and stuff, then I wrote you a letter. And that's about that. I offered my love and friendship, and you gave yours back to me. All the things I told you are true and I've never promised you anything, right? Don't let this mess up your life, I wouldn't forgive myself if it did. I can't answer all of your questions but.....just keep praying and God will show you the way. Life goes on and we'll just wait and see what the future holds. In any case, whatever happens- I love you and you'll always be in my heart. I'll be here listening. F.B.

Hi Sarah! The way I'm thinking is- if the relationship thing never works out for us, then I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. We started out as friends(and we still are), so let's just continue that friendship and see where that takes us. It's like something you said in one of your pm's:

QUOTE : I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff- because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us.

I'm there during fun times(the crazy posts, pm's, e-mails, our "dates"), but I'm also there during the bad times- that's what friends are for. I wouldn't like our friendship to be ruined because of this. That is something I'd like to keep. Did it not make our faith in God stronger? Did it not make us happy? I think it's definitely something worth keeping. Wouldn't you agree? I say "I love you" because I mean it. And we were still friends after all that time. Our friendship drew us closer together. And I wouldn't like that to change. Smile, Sarah. No worries, no regrets. You're always in my prayers. Take care, God bless. -F.B.

Hey F, You're right. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. And I'd rather have you as a friend, than not at all. Our friendship is always going to outlast anything we come up against. And right now at this point in our lives, and the fact we are so far away- I think it is best for us to stay friends. You do make me happy. Being friends with you makes me happy. Reading through the bible with you makes me happy. And you're right, just because things aren't working relationship wise for us- doesn't mean we have to call everything else quits.

I'd like to keep doing this bible study with you. I read chapters 4-8 of Joshua today. So I guess tomorrow we can read 9-12. I like the fact- that I'm reading through everything- instead of just skipping around looking at different verses. I find myself, circling, and marking verses here and there. It nice to have a planned study- because when I'm on my own, I tend to slack. It's nice that I have you there to talk about these things with- and you know I'm here for you too. I'm gonna go, cuz I think I just about rambled myself out the other night. And I really have nothing left to say, you said it all. And I agree with you. You're in my prayers also. And you're right- no regrets. I'm blessed to have you in my life, thanks for being so understanding. Smile, take care. God bless, Sarah

Jimmy, I don't know, maybe it's not worth it. Is it worth it to mess up my life? For a relationship that's so far away- we may never even meet each other... like you said Jimmy- why not find someone closer, someone I can actually hang out with? Ack- and all these thoughts inside me are so confusing. I'm so confused.

Did I tell you I actually talked to him? It was so weird to hear each other's voices- but it was sooooooooo awkward. LOL. We couldn't think of much to say to each other. And I've been confused about things for the past two days, and ACK. What have I gotten myself into? I need to get away, I need to think. I need to step back. That's actually what I told him. I don't know... I need to step back, and think about things. It's been 7 long months... but maybe we've gone as far as we can go. Pray for me. I need some clarity in my head. Reading the bible is a very good thing though, and maybe even if we never are more than friends in that aspect- at least we are getting something good out of this. I don't think I'm going into work, I feel awful, and I need to think. Ack life is frustrating Jimmy! -Sarah


I didn't know how else I could prove to my parents, that F was honest and he really was who he said he was. I decided to contact the investigator, thinking that if that was the only way to prove things, then I would do it. Just to make my parents feel better, and accept our relationship. I emailed the investigator.

Hello Sarah, I would be happy to help you with your situation. That is the good news. The bad news is as follows. From my 29 years in the business I can tell you some cold hard facts. First, often-good people are not 100% honest. Second, this service is not inexpensive. We would require a minimum of $500.00 advance. Your total expense will probably run closer to $1,000.00 or more. Third, there is no way for me to determine the true heart of an individual. So, I can verify his data. Maybe we will catch him in a lie. We can gather information you currently do not have such as any criminal record. But in the final analysis, as you said, you are 21 years old. I could tell you of wonderful loving marriages that I have seen from Internet connections. More times though, they turn out like most relationships. I will hold you email on file. If you wish to pursue the matter, please call me. Thank you.

After reading that email, I didn't really know what to do. Even if the investigator proved F.B. was who he said he was. He could never prove what F.B.'s intentions were or what was in his heart. That would never satisfy my parents. After alot of thinking, I decided to take my own risk and make my own decision. I decided I did want to be with him and I did want to take this risk. I trusted him and he trusted me and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that we loved eachother and that we were in this for the long run together. And it was our choice, no matter what other people's opinions would be. This was our life and our relationship. And if we were making a mistake, it would be our own.

Jimmy, I don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with F. I've decided I don't really care what happens or what people think anymore. Because I know him, he knows me. I love him, he loves me. That's all that matters. In this friendship/relationship. The fact, that we are reading through the bible together, and praying together, it's really quite awesome. He's switching majors in college, instead of Psychology, he's going to be taking Computer Sciences and might go for 3 more years to get his Bachelor’s degree... darn him- he'll be 28 or so by the time he graduates! ACK! I need patience, lol. I've also decided I'm going to go with this, and see where it takes us. I know he lives far away, but I can't explain it... God brought him into my life for a reason, and whether it was to help us grow closer to Him, or just to be friends or more. I dunno, but I'm happy. I really am. Take Care, Sarah

You're my best friend and I love you dearly. I feel like you understand me and I know you love me back despite all of my imperfections. It is hard sometimes cuz we really are never sure of what's gonna happen. But what I know for sure is that I love you and I'd want things to work out for us. I'd never wanna lose you. I love you, F.B.

"Risk everything, regret nothing." I heard that somewhere, something about "mad love".....I have no regrets how things have been with us. I'm glad I got to know you that you're in my life. And even though you're a million miles away, I feel like you're here with me. You're a part of me now. You're in my mind, in my heart.....always. And I thank God for giving me the gift that is you. I love you, Sarah.....no matter what. F.B.
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