Showing posts with label The Beginning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Beginning. Show all posts
Long Distance Relationships
Memories
Misunderstandings
Phone Calls
Struggles
The Beginning
Risk Everything, Regret Nothing.
Around the end of April, things started to get crazy. It was an emotional time. It was around then when I wrote F.B. an email asking if we could exchange phone numbers.
I have something serious & completely crazy to ask you? If I gave you my cell phone number- would you give me yours? I want to call you. I need to talk to you. I need to actually TALK to you- so I know I'm not crazy. Actually, I'm not sure how to call you- I wonder if there's country codes or whatever the heck... arrgh. If I called you at 1 or 2am tonight, that would mean it's 1pm or 2pm Saturday where you are, right? I mean, if you actually agreed to this crazy idea. Write me back, I'm here. Sarah
You sure you really wanna do that? Cuz if you do, then I'm OK with it. -F.B.
I'm sure, why wouldn't I be sure? I eventually wanted to talk to you anyway, but I was hoping it would be closer to our birthdays. But everything is so crazy, and I feel like I need to talk to you, actually talk to you, and know this is real, and know that we're not crazy, lol. That we're in this together. I'm okay with it. I am. I trust you, I hope you trust me. Okay my cell phone number is: Now that's my local number. I don't know if there's any code you need to use in front of that... not sure. I've never ever called outside the country. -Sarah
Here's my cellphone no.: 1 to 2 pm would be OK. Tell me when you're calling. -F.B.
Do you know which is your city code? I found out the country code is 63. But I need to find out your city code.... -Sarah
Gosh! I'm not sure, I'll have to ask someone about that. I'll tell you once I find out. Trust me. Anyway, I need to go. Good night, Sarah. Love you. F.B.
Hey Love... sorry I made you stay up so late, I feel bad about that. I'm sitting here, this awful feeling in my stomach, and feeling like I want to cry. How did things get so serious? I hope we can get those city, and country codes all worked out. Maybe you're aunt visiting from the USA- would know something about calling to the Philippines, and even calling to the USA. I want to talk to you. I feel like I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice, I need to know this is real, that we really are in this together. Email buddy? lol... so that's what you told your parents? Gosh F... I feel like we've gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for. Think about it. Is this actually going to work? Are we going to try to make it work? I want to. But at the same time, I feel like we are going to have to overcome, alot of difficulties in this relationship- if we really are going to make it work. (We can't even figure out how to call each other... LOL.) Eventually down the line, who knows when- we'll probably meet each other. Then we'll definitely know whether or not this is what we want. If we really want to be with each other for the long run.
But then there are our families. I'm not that close to my mom either, lol. I mean I tell her more than my dad. But when I think about telling her about us, about you. I start hearing all the negative things in my mind. Things like this, "You better be careful- you could meet a molester online! People have been murdered by people they met online! You don't even know him! You haven't even met him!" Typical stereotyping. This is what I fear I face from alot of people in my family in the future. Maybe I'm over reacting though, I don't really know.
These are just some of the fears, and thoughts I have deep down inside about us. About what we face in the future. I love you so much, I mean that. I don't want to lose you. And I know no matter what happens- that if we love each other and want to be with each other then things will happen, they will work out... but gosh... why is life so hard mahal ko? I wish I could talk with you. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, I love you. I'll talk to you online tomorrow. I love you, Sarah
WOW! I wish I could cheer you up. But if that's the way you feel, then I'm with you. Don't let other peoples' comments get you down though, they're just that- comments. Every one's got their own view of things. Kinda like around here at the forum. Anyway, feel free to scream away all your frustrations at me.....I'll listen. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you. F.B.
Yea! I figured it out! I know how to call you now, LOL! YOU HAVE THE CITY CODE IN YOUR NUMBER ALREADY! LOL! -Sarah
Hi Sarah! I'm kinda nervous about this. LoL! But Saturday sounds good. -F.B.
I'm nervous too. Do know by then it will have been a whole month since we said, 'I love you.' Why does it feel like I've lived alot more in this month, then I have in the past few years.... lol. Do you feel like that? -Sarah
I'm sure to be nervous, talking to someone I like so much. I just know I'm gonna sound like a dork on the phone.....Oh well, at least I've warned you. LoL! And yes- "I do" feel like that. As for sad e-mails, you know you can always lay it down on me. I'm always around to listen. Mahal kita, Sarah. -F.B.
That morning I tried calling him, but I couldn't get it to work. The country code thing was confusing and I kept getting error messages. I was sitting at the computer getting ready to email him, when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was him! (Months later he admitted he called me accidentally, he was waiting up for my call and playing around with his phone and accidentally dialed my number, it starting ringing so he stayed on the phone.)
It was so weird hearing each other's voices for the first time. I can't explain it. I felt so nervous and I could tell he was nervous too. He was so quiet! The entire call was maybe 5 minutes long, but it felt more like 30 minutes. Afterwards, I got off the phone and cried. I just felt so silly, because we didn't have much to say to each other, yet we always wrote such long emails. And it was just weird talking to someone you've known for so many months... someone you've said, "I love you too." yet have never heard their voice. Talking on the phone became easier over time, but the first time we ever talked on the phone was just awkward!
Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! I actually called you. After the call, I was thinking- "Did I just do what I think I did?". OMG! I can't believe it. It's my first time to call a girl like that. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to punch myself. LoL! Though, it was really nice to hear your voice and to hear you laugh. -F.B.
Hi Sarah! I remember the time I called you. I was thinking to myself- "You dork! You should've said this, you should've said that". LoL! After that, I checked how much I had left on my phone and YIKES!.....never mind. LoL! Anyway, I can't help but smile when I heard your voice and that British accent you did was pretty darn good. It's odd how I actually got to call you but my text message never pulled through. What the---? Take your time and get some rest. I'll just be here. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Good night. Have a nice weekend. Luv ya, F.B.
Another goodnight call, eh? I was actually thinking- "I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah called", but.....I was still surprised anyway. I just put my phone on the comp. table then all of a sudden it rang and I had the vibration thing on, you know how that is. LoL! Now who would call me at 2 in the morning, I wonder? Haha! You are too much. I can't get enough of you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
You called me again. LoL! I love hearing your voice. It puts a smile on my face. "I love you"- I love saying that to you on the phone and I love it when I hear you say it too. I was kinda surprised with the "I love you, I love you, I love you" thing you did on the phone though. LoL! I wasn't expecting that. You make me smile so much. I love you, I love you, I love you, F.B.
Around the end of April, I wrote my Mother a letter. I wanted to tell her about F.B. and I before things went any farther. I'm not so good at face-to-face confrontations, and I am better writing my thoughts down, rather than speaking them... so I wrote her a long letter about us. I was scared to death of what she was going to say. But I was completely right in thinking she would stereotype us. She wrote me a whole letter back, telling me all the things I didn't want to hear. That he could be a molester. That he was just telling me whatever I wanted to hear. That he just wanted a US citizenship. That I should hire an investigator, to check him out, and prove he was who he said he was. I felt sick. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. It was so complicated, what had I gotten myself into?! I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and confused, I decided maybe it would be better if F & I were just friends...maybe I was crazy. After crying in my bed for a few hours until I felt numb, I wrote him an email.
Okay, this is how I feel right now, I feel like things have gotten really intense- I mean I know they have, at least with my feelings. And at the moment things are not working in our favor. We have all the time in the world, and no need to rush into things, or make quick decisions that could ruin our lives. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been confused for the past couple days, and I need a break from everything. That doesn't mean you have to stop writing me, I'd really cry then! haha. I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us. I'm feeling like, if I put my whole self into this- what if I just get burned? Because you are so far away from me. There are so many things that are going to get in our way. And I don't know if I can do that right now. Because I didn't like how I was feeling the other night- when I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. I don't know if I want to hurt like that again- and I feel like, if we keep things this intense, and then it doesn't work out- I don't know... I don't want to think about how I'm going to feel, or how long it's going to take me to get over you. So maybe we can step back a little and work on being friends more, and put less focus on the relationship part right now. I need that I think, I need to think about things clearly. I want to still email you, I will still mail your my letter, but I think you understand what I'm trying to ramble on about, lol. Write me later. -Sarah
Stepping back?.....If that's your decision, I respect that. I respect you. I don't want to force you into anything or rush things. Don't cry.....Oh, how I wish I could put a smile on your face. If you need a friend, I'll always be here. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I decided to vent to my friend Jimmy about the situation, things were so complicated and I needed to get my thoughts out.
Jimmy, Yes the Philippines are really far away... but you never know what could happen. And he is a nice guy, after two years, I didn't think I would find anyone that I would be interested in again. I didn't think I'd find someone that would actually listen to me, be goofy with my, or even read through the bible with me and have it be HIS idea.
Only, things have gotten worse, not with F. I talked to my mother about things, about us communicating through email, and letters. And she wrote this whole letter back, saying how he could be a molester, or how he could be saying anything to me, anything that I want to hear. How I should talk to Pastor about things. How if I want to meet someone, I should go to a Christian singles group. How I should hire an investigator, to prove he is really who he says he is.
I said, Mother," I have his picture, I have his letters, postmarked from the Philippines." She said," How do know that's really his picture?" She said, "How do you know he isn't trying to marry you or something just to come to this country. " I said, "I have his number let's call him, you can talk to him. " She says, "I don't want to talk to him."
I don't know what to do. This guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a long time. He actually has me reading my bible. We talk about things serious things, stupid things, goofy things. And maybe he is really far away, but you never know what could happen. I don't know how to prove to my parents, that he is who he says he is. I believe who he is. He's never once said something to me in the past 7 months that would make me doubt him. I cried so much last night, because I've gotten into this so deep, I feel like if I lose him, then I lose myself. I've had my heart broken before, I don't know if I could take that again. One of the happiest times in my life, has overnight become the worst. The only thing I can think to ever prove to them, he is who he is. Is to go ahead, and do this dumb Investigator thing. I know everything about him. So that wouldn't be a problem. My mom left me some Christian yellow pages, with some investigator place circled. I don't want to lose him, so if that's what it takes, then I guess that's what I have to do. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem like when I actually have something going for me, when I'm actually looking forward to something in my life- that everything falls apart on me? Maybe it's a test, I don't know- but I'd do whatever it takes to not have this relationship fall apart. Jimmy O, pray about this situation will you. God bless, Sarah
Hi Sarah! Ya know, your parents are just doing their job. You're their only daughter and they're just trying to protect you. They don't really know me and it's understandable that they would be worried. I understand that and I respect that. They love you and you know that. But when you think of it- all we've been doing is e-mailing each other and stuff, then I wrote you a letter. And that's about that. I offered my love and friendship, and you gave yours back to me. All the things I told you are true and I've never promised you anything, right? Don't let this mess up your life, I wouldn't forgive myself if it did. I can't answer all of your questions but.....just keep praying and God will show you the way. Life goes on and we'll just wait and see what the future holds. In any case, whatever happens- I love you and you'll always be in my heart. I'll be here listening. F.B.
Hi Sarah! The way I'm thinking is- if the relationship thing never works out for us, then I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. We started out as friends(and we still are), so let's just continue that friendship and see where that takes us. It's like something you said in one of your pm's:
QUOTE : I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff- because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us.
I'm there during fun times(the crazy posts, pm's, e-mails, our "dates"), but I'm also there during the bad times- that's what friends are for. I wouldn't like our friendship to be ruined because of this. That is something I'd like to keep. Did it not make our faith in God stronger? Did it not make us happy? I think it's definitely something worth keeping. Wouldn't you agree? I say "I love you" because I mean it. And we were still friends after all that time. Our friendship drew us closer together. And I wouldn't like that to change. Smile, Sarah. No worries, no regrets. You're always in my prayers. Take care, God bless. -F.B.
Hey F, You're right. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. And I'd rather have you as a friend, than not at all. Our friendship is always going to outlast anything we come up against. And right now at this point in our lives, and the fact we are so far away- I think it is best for us to stay friends. You do make me happy. Being friends with you makes me happy. Reading through the bible with you makes me happy. And you're right, just because things aren't working relationship wise for us- doesn't mean we have to call everything else quits.
I'd like to keep doing this bible study with you. I read chapters 4-8 of Joshua today. So I guess tomorrow we can read 9-12. I like the fact- that I'm reading through everything- instead of just skipping around looking at different verses. I find myself, circling, and marking verses here and there. It nice to have a planned study- because when I'm on my own, I tend to slack. It's nice that I have you there to talk about these things with- and you know I'm here for you too. I'm gonna go, cuz I think I just about rambled myself out the other night. And I really have nothing left to say, you said it all. And I agree with you. You're in my prayers also. And you're right- no regrets. I'm blessed to have you in my life, thanks for being so understanding. Smile, take care. God bless, Sarah
Jimmy, I don't know, maybe it's not worth it. Is it worth it to mess up my life? For a relationship that's so far away- we may never even meet each other... like you said Jimmy- why not find someone closer, someone I can actually hang out with? Ack- and all these thoughts inside me are so confusing. I'm so confused.
Did I tell you I actually talked to him? It was so weird to hear each other's voices- but it was sooooooooo awkward. LOL. We couldn't think of much to say to each other. And I've been confused about things for the past two days, and ACK. What have I gotten myself into? I need to get away, I need to think. I need to step back. That's actually what I told him. I don't know... I need to step back, and think about things. It's been 7 long months... but maybe we've gone as far as we can go. Pray for me. I need some clarity in my head. Reading the bible is a very good thing though, and maybe even if we never are more than friends in that aspect- at least we are getting something good out of this. I don't think I'm going into work, I feel awful, and I need to think. Ack life is frustrating Jimmy! -Sarah
I didn't know how else I could prove to my parents, that F was honest and he really was who he said he was. I decided to contact the investigator, thinking that if that was the only way to prove things, then I would do it. Just to make my parents feel better, and accept our relationship. I emailed the investigator.
Hello Sarah, I would be happy to help you with your situation. That is the good news. The bad news is as follows. From my 29 years in the business I can tell you some cold hard facts. First, often-good people are not 100% honest. Second, this service is not inexpensive. We would require a minimum of $500.00 advance. Your total expense will probably run closer to $1,000.00 or more. Third, there is no way for me to determine the true heart of an individual. So, I can verify his data. Maybe we will catch him in a lie. We can gather information you currently do not have such as any criminal record. But in the final analysis, as you said, you are 21 years old. I could tell you of wonderful loving marriages that I have seen from Internet connections. More times though, they turn out like most relationships. I will hold you email on file. If you wish to pursue the matter, please call me. Thank you.
After reading that email, I didn't really know what to do. Even if the investigator proved F.B. was who he said he was. He could never prove what F.B.'s intentions were or what was in his heart. That would never satisfy my parents. After alot of thinking, I decided to take my own risk and make my own decision. I decided I did want to be with him and I did want to take this risk. I trusted him and he trusted me and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that we loved eachother and that we were in this for the long run together. And it was our choice, no matter what other people's opinions would be. This was our life and our relationship. And if we were making a mistake, it would be our own.
Jimmy, I don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with F. I've decided I don't really care what happens or what people think anymore. Because I know him, he knows me. I love him, he loves me. That's all that matters. In this friendship/relationship. The fact, that we are reading through the bible together, and praying together, it's really quite awesome. He's switching majors in college, instead of Psychology, he's going to be taking Computer Sciences and might go for 3 more years to get his Bachelor’s degree... darn him- he'll be 28 or so by the time he graduates! ACK! I need patience, lol. I've also decided I'm going to go with this, and see where it takes us. I know he lives far away, but I can't explain it... God brought him into my life for a reason, and whether it was to help us grow closer to Him, or just to be friends or more. I dunno, but I'm happy. I really am. Take Care, Sarah
You're my best friend and I love you dearly. I feel like you understand me and I know you love me back despite all of my imperfections. It is hard sometimes cuz we really are never sure of what's gonna happen. But what I know for sure is that I love you and I'd want things to work out for us. I'd never wanna lose you. I love you, F.B.
"Risk everything, regret nothing." I heard that somewhere, something about "mad love".....I have no regrets how things have been with us. I'm glad I got to know you that you're in my life. And even though you're a million miles away, I feel like you're here with me. You're a part of me now. You're in my mind, in my heart.....always. And I thank God for giving me the gift that is you. I love you, Sarah.....no matter what. F.B.
I have something serious & completely crazy to ask you? If I gave you my cell phone number- would you give me yours? I want to call you. I need to talk to you. I need to actually TALK to you- so I know I'm not crazy. Actually, I'm not sure how to call you- I wonder if there's country codes or whatever the heck... arrgh. If I called you at 1 or 2am tonight, that would mean it's 1pm or 2pm Saturday where you are, right? I mean, if you actually agreed to this crazy idea. Write me back, I'm here. Sarah
You sure you really wanna do that? Cuz if you do, then I'm OK with it. -F.B.
I'm sure, why wouldn't I be sure? I eventually wanted to talk to you anyway, but I was hoping it would be closer to our birthdays. But everything is so crazy, and I feel like I need to talk to you, actually talk to you, and know this is real, and know that we're not crazy, lol. That we're in this together. I'm okay with it. I am. I trust you, I hope you trust me. Okay my cell phone number is: Now that's my local number. I don't know if there's any code you need to use in front of that... not sure. I've never ever called outside the country. -Sarah
Here's my cellphone no.: 1 to 2 pm would be OK. Tell me when you're calling. -F.B.
Do you know which is your city code? I found out the country code is 63. But I need to find out your city code.... -Sarah
Gosh! I'm not sure, I'll have to ask someone about that. I'll tell you once I find out. Trust me. Anyway, I need to go. Good night, Sarah. Love you. F.B.
Hey Love... sorry I made you stay up so late, I feel bad about that. I'm sitting here, this awful feeling in my stomach, and feeling like I want to cry. How did things get so serious? I hope we can get those city, and country codes all worked out. Maybe you're aunt visiting from the USA- would know something about calling to the Philippines, and even calling to the USA. I want to talk to you. I feel like I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice, I need to know this is real, that we really are in this together. Email buddy? lol... so that's what you told your parents? Gosh F... I feel like we've gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for. Think about it. Is this actually going to work? Are we going to try to make it work? I want to. But at the same time, I feel like we are going to have to overcome, alot of difficulties in this relationship- if we really are going to make it work. (We can't even figure out how to call each other... LOL.) Eventually down the line, who knows when- we'll probably meet each other. Then we'll definitely know whether or not this is what we want. If we really want to be with each other for the long run.
But then there are our families. I'm not that close to my mom either, lol. I mean I tell her more than my dad. But when I think about telling her about us, about you. I start hearing all the negative things in my mind. Things like this, "You better be careful- you could meet a molester online! People have been murdered by people they met online! You don't even know him! You haven't even met him!" Typical stereotyping. This is what I fear I face from alot of people in my family in the future. Maybe I'm over reacting though, I don't really know.
These are just some of the fears, and thoughts I have deep down inside about us. About what we face in the future. I love you so much, I mean that. I don't want to lose you. And I know no matter what happens- that if we love each other and want to be with each other then things will happen, they will work out... but gosh... why is life so hard mahal ko? I wish I could talk with you. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, I love you. I'll talk to you online tomorrow. I love you, Sarah
WOW! I wish I could cheer you up. But if that's the way you feel, then I'm with you. Don't let other peoples' comments get you down though, they're just that- comments. Every one's got their own view of things. Kinda like around here at the forum. Anyway, feel free to scream away all your frustrations at me.....I'll listen. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you. F.B.
Yea! I figured it out! I know how to call you now, LOL! YOU HAVE THE CITY CODE IN YOUR NUMBER ALREADY! LOL! -Sarah
Hi Sarah! I'm kinda nervous about this. LoL! But Saturday sounds good. -F.B.
I'm nervous too. Do know by then it will have been a whole month since we said, 'I love you.' Why does it feel like I've lived alot more in this month, then I have in the past few years.... lol. Do you feel like that? -Sarah
I'm sure to be nervous, talking to someone I like so much. I just know I'm gonna sound like a dork on the phone.....Oh well, at least I've warned you. LoL! And yes- "I do" feel like that. As for sad e-mails, you know you can always lay it down on me. I'm always around to listen. Mahal kita, Sarah. -F.B.
That morning I tried calling him, but I couldn't get it to work. The country code thing was confusing and I kept getting error messages. I was sitting at the computer getting ready to email him, when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was him! (Months later he admitted he called me accidentally, he was waiting up for my call and playing around with his phone and accidentally dialed my number, it starting ringing so he stayed on the phone.)
It was so weird hearing each other's voices for the first time. I can't explain it. I felt so nervous and I could tell he was nervous too. He was so quiet! The entire call was maybe 5 minutes long, but it felt more like 30 minutes. Afterwards, I got off the phone and cried. I just felt so silly, because we didn't have much to say to each other, yet we always wrote such long emails. And it was just weird talking to someone you've known for so many months... someone you've said, "I love you too." yet have never heard their voice. Talking on the phone became easier over time, but the first time we ever talked on the phone was just awkward!
Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! I actually called you. After the call, I was thinking- "Did I just do what I think I did?". OMG! I can't believe it. It's my first time to call a girl like that. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to punch myself. LoL! Though, it was really nice to hear your voice and to hear you laugh. -F.B.
Hi Sarah! I remember the time I called you. I was thinking to myself- "You dork! You should've said this, you should've said that". LoL! After that, I checked how much I had left on my phone and YIKES!.....never mind. LoL! Anyway, I can't help but smile when I heard your voice and that British accent you did was pretty darn good. It's odd how I actually got to call you but my text message never pulled through. What the---? Take your time and get some rest. I'll just be here. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Good night. Have a nice weekend. Luv ya, F.B.
Another goodnight call, eh? I was actually thinking- "I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah called", but.....I was still surprised anyway. I just put my phone on the comp. table then all of a sudden it rang and I had the vibration thing on, you know how that is. LoL! Now who would call me at 2 in the morning, I wonder? Haha! You are too much. I can't get enough of you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
You called me again. LoL! I love hearing your voice. It puts a smile on my face. "I love you"- I love saying that to you on the phone and I love it when I hear you say it too. I was kinda surprised with the "I love you, I love you, I love you" thing you did on the phone though. LoL! I wasn't expecting that. You make me smile so much. I love you, I love you, I love you, F.B.
Around the end of April, I wrote my Mother a letter. I wanted to tell her about F.B. and I before things went any farther. I'm not so good at face-to-face confrontations, and I am better writing my thoughts down, rather than speaking them... so I wrote her a long letter about us. I was scared to death of what she was going to say. But I was completely right in thinking she would stereotype us. She wrote me a whole letter back, telling me all the things I didn't want to hear. That he could be a molester. That he was just telling me whatever I wanted to hear. That he just wanted a US citizenship. That I should hire an investigator, to check him out, and prove he was who he said he was. I felt sick. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. It was so complicated, what had I gotten myself into?! I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and confused, I decided maybe it would be better if F & I were just friends...maybe I was crazy. After crying in my bed for a few hours until I felt numb, I wrote him an email.
Okay, this is how I feel right now, I feel like things have gotten really intense- I mean I know they have, at least with my feelings. And at the moment things are not working in our favor. We have all the time in the world, and no need to rush into things, or make quick decisions that could ruin our lives. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been confused for the past couple days, and I need a break from everything. That doesn't mean you have to stop writing me, I'd really cry then! haha. I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us. I'm feeling like, if I put my whole self into this- what if I just get burned? Because you are so far away from me. There are so many things that are going to get in our way. And I don't know if I can do that right now. Because I didn't like how I was feeling the other night- when I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. I don't know if I want to hurt like that again- and I feel like, if we keep things this intense, and then it doesn't work out- I don't know... I don't want to think about how I'm going to feel, or how long it's going to take me to get over you. So maybe we can step back a little and work on being friends more, and put less focus on the relationship part right now. I need that I think, I need to think about things clearly. I want to still email you, I will still mail your my letter, but I think you understand what I'm trying to ramble on about, lol. Write me later. -Sarah
Stepping back?.....If that's your decision, I respect that. I respect you. I don't want to force you into anything or rush things. Don't cry.....Oh, how I wish I could put a smile on your face. If you need a friend, I'll always be here. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I decided to vent to my friend Jimmy about the situation, things were so complicated and I needed to get my thoughts out.
Jimmy, Yes the Philippines are really far away... but you never know what could happen. And he is a nice guy, after two years, I didn't think I would find anyone that I would be interested in again. I didn't think I'd find someone that would actually listen to me, be goofy with my, or even read through the bible with me and have it be HIS idea.
Only, things have gotten worse, not with F. I talked to my mother about things, about us communicating through email, and letters. And she wrote this whole letter back, saying how he could be a molester, or how he could be saying anything to me, anything that I want to hear. How I should talk to Pastor about things. How if I want to meet someone, I should go to a Christian singles group. How I should hire an investigator, to prove he is really who he says he is.
I said, Mother," I have his picture, I have his letters, postmarked from the Philippines." She said," How do know that's really his picture?" She said, "How do you know he isn't trying to marry you or something just to come to this country. " I said, "I have his number let's call him, you can talk to him. " She says, "I don't want to talk to him."
I don't know what to do. This guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a long time. He actually has me reading my bible. We talk about things serious things, stupid things, goofy things. And maybe he is really far away, but you never know what could happen. I don't know how to prove to my parents, that he is who he says he is. I believe who he is. He's never once said something to me in the past 7 months that would make me doubt him. I cried so much last night, because I've gotten into this so deep, I feel like if I lose him, then I lose myself. I've had my heart broken before, I don't know if I could take that again. One of the happiest times in my life, has overnight become the worst. The only thing I can think to ever prove to them, he is who he is. Is to go ahead, and do this dumb Investigator thing. I know everything about him. So that wouldn't be a problem. My mom left me some Christian yellow pages, with some investigator place circled. I don't want to lose him, so if that's what it takes, then I guess that's what I have to do. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem like when I actually have something going for me, when I'm actually looking forward to something in my life- that everything falls apart on me? Maybe it's a test, I don't know- but I'd do whatever it takes to not have this relationship fall apart. Jimmy O, pray about this situation will you. God bless, Sarah
Hi Sarah! Ya know, your parents are just doing their job. You're their only daughter and they're just trying to protect you. They don't really know me and it's understandable that they would be worried. I understand that and I respect that. They love you and you know that. But when you think of it- all we've been doing is e-mailing each other and stuff, then I wrote you a letter. And that's about that. I offered my love and friendship, and you gave yours back to me. All the things I told you are true and I've never promised you anything, right? Don't let this mess up your life, I wouldn't forgive myself if it did. I can't answer all of your questions but.....just keep praying and God will show you the way. Life goes on and we'll just wait and see what the future holds. In any case, whatever happens- I love you and you'll always be in my heart. I'll be here listening. F.B.
Hi Sarah! The way I'm thinking is- if the relationship thing never works out for us, then I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. We started out as friends(and we still are), so let's just continue that friendship and see where that takes us. It's like something you said in one of your pm's:
QUOTE : I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff- because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us.
I'm there during fun times(the crazy posts, pm's, e-mails, our "dates"), but I'm also there during the bad times- that's what friends are for. I wouldn't like our friendship to be ruined because of this. That is something I'd like to keep. Did it not make our faith in God stronger? Did it not make us happy? I think it's definitely something worth keeping. Wouldn't you agree? I say "I love you" because I mean it. And we were still friends after all that time. Our friendship drew us closer together. And I wouldn't like that to change. Smile, Sarah. No worries, no regrets. You're always in my prayers. Take care, God bless. -F.B.
Hey F, You're right. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. And I'd rather have you as a friend, than not at all. Our friendship is always going to outlast anything we come up against. And right now at this point in our lives, and the fact we are so far away- I think it is best for us to stay friends. You do make me happy. Being friends with you makes me happy. Reading through the bible with you makes me happy. And you're right, just because things aren't working relationship wise for us- doesn't mean we have to call everything else quits.
I'd like to keep doing this bible study with you. I read chapters 4-8 of Joshua today. So I guess tomorrow we can read 9-12. I like the fact- that I'm reading through everything- instead of just skipping around looking at different verses. I find myself, circling, and marking verses here and there. It nice to have a planned study- because when I'm on my own, I tend to slack. It's nice that I have you there to talk about these things with- and you know I'm here for you too. I'm gonna go, cuz I think I just about rambled myself out the other night. And I really have nothing left to say, you said it all. And I agree with you. You're in my prayers also. And you're right- no regrets. I'm blessed to have you in my life, thanks for being so understanding. Smile, take care. God bless, Sarah
Jimmy, I don't know, maybe it's not worth it. Is it worth it to mess up my life? For a relationship that's so far away- we may never even meet each other... like you said Jimmy- why not find someone closer, someone I can actually hang out with? Ack- and all these thoughts inside me are so confusing. I'm so confused.
Did I tell you I actually talked to him? It was so weird to hear each other's voices- but it was sooooooooo awkward. LOL. We couldn't think of much to say to each other. And I've been confused about things for the past two days, and ACK. What have I gotten myself into? I need to get away, I need to think. I need to step back. That's actually what I told him. I don't know... I need to step back, and think about things. It's been 7 long months... but maybe we've gone as far as we can go. Pray for me. I need some clarity in my head. Reading the bible is a very good thing though, and maybe even if we never are more than friends in that aspect- at least we are getting something good out of this. I don't think I'm going into work, I feel awful, and I need to think. Ack life is frustrating Jimmy! -Sarah
I didn't know how else I could prove to my parents, that F was honest and he really was who he said he was. I decided to contact the investigator, thinking that if that was the only way to prove things, then I would do it. Just to make my parents feel better, and accept our relationship. I emailed the investigator.
Hello Sarah, I would be happy to help you with your situation. That is the good news. The bad news is as follows. From my 29 years in the business I can tell you some cold hard facts. First, often-good people are not 100% honest. Second, this service is not inexpensive. We would require a minimum of $500.00 advance. Your total expense will probably run closer to $1,000.00 or more. Third, there is no way for me to determine the true heart of an individual. So, I can verify his data. Maybe we will catch him in a lie. We can gather information you currently do not have such as any criminal record. But in the final analysis, as you said, you are 21 years old. I could tell you of wonderful loving marriages that I have seen from Internet connections. More times though, they turn out like most relationships. I will hold you email on file. If you wish to pursue the matter, please call me. Thank you.
After reading that email, I didn't really know what to do. Even if the investigator proved F.B. was who he said he was. He could never prove what F.B.'s intentions were or what was in his heart. That would never satisfy my parents. After alot of thinking, I decided to take my own risk and make my own decision. I decided I did want to be with him and I did want to take this risk. I trusted him and he trusted me and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that we loved eachother and that we were in this for the long run together. And it was our choice, no matter what other people's opinions would be. This was our life and our relationship. And if we were making a mistake, it would be our own.
Jimmy, I don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with F. I've decided I don't really care what happens or what people think anymore. Because I know him, he knows me. I love him, he loves me. That's all that matters. In this friendship/relationship. The fact, that we are reading through the bible together, and praying together, it's really quite awesome. He's switching majors in college, instead of Psychology, he's going to be taking Computer Sciences and might go for 3 more years to get his Bachelor’s degree... darn him- he'll be 28 or so by the time he graduates! ACK! I need patience, lol. I've also decided I'm going to go with this, and see where it takes us. I know he lives far away, but I can't explain it... God brought him into my life for a reason, and whether it was to help us grow closer to Him, or just to be friends or more. I dunno, but I'm happy. I really am. Take Care, Sarah
You're my best friend and I love you dearly. I feel like you understand me and I know you love me back despite all of my imperfections. It is hard sometimes cuz we really are never sure of what's gonna happen. But what I know for sure is that I love you and I'd want things to work out for us. I'd never wanna lose you. I love you, F.B.
"Risk everything, regret nothing." I heard that somewhere, something about "mad love".....I have no regrets how things have been with us. I'm glad I got to know you that you're in my life. And even though you're a million miles away, I feel like you're here with me. You're a part of me now. You're in my mind, in my heart.....always. And I thank God for giving me the gift that is you. I love you, Sarah.....no matter what. F.B.
Letters
Lindsay Lohan
Long Distance Relationships
Memories
The Beginning
Defining the Relationship.
F.B. & I would meet each other online at the forum and sent private messages back and forth. This was before we took the step to download any online messengers like AIM or Yahoo. April, 1st, (April Fools Day) 2004, was the day we defined our relationship and finally expressed our feelings for one another.
There was a thread on the forum where members were posting poems or songs they had written. The one night, I had written a poem about F.B. and decided to post it. Turns out he had written one about me too.
It's complicated
It's all too real
These feelings
Like an open book
You read me
See me for me
And it's the first time
I'm feeling again
I'm exposed
I can't hide away
Cause you've changed me
So let me put my heart
On the line
For you to unwind
Cause you're what
makes my day.
-Sarah
I've never seen You
And yet I know You're beautiful
I've never spoken to You
And yet I feel that I can tell You anything
I've only known You for awhile
And yet I trust every word You say
I've never met You
And yet I feel that I've known You all my life
I've never been anywhere close to You
And yet I feel You here with me
Why?
I ask myself
Perhaps it's because
I Love You
[NEO]
Aw, did you write that last night, or did you write it up after you saw mine? lol. I wrote my poem/thoughts whatever last night before I went to bed. It was one of those times, where I needed to get my thoughts out. When I read your poem, I apply it to you F. Right down to the last line. -Sarah
I'm glad you like it. I actually wrote that 2 nights ago but I wasn't sure of posting it cuz you might think I'm some psycho freak. LoL! [NEO]
I think you're the opposite of a psycho freak. You're just a freak. I'm kidding, kidding F! And I think I do love ya F.B. -Sarah
WOW! Ya think?.....I know I love ya, Sarah. ! [NEO]
Well, I guess I say I 'think' I love you. Because, the way I grew up, love was like- two neighbors or friends, falling in love and getting married. And that's what I thought would happen to me. But I don't know... maybe that's not what God has planned. I've never met you F. I've never seen your interactions, or expressions, looked into your eyes, or even heard your voice. But I do know your personality, thoughts, emotion's, and heart. And I know I love you when it comes to that. Ack... holy crap. I said those three little words! Love you much, Sarah
Gotta go now, Sarah. Good night. I love you too. [NEO]
By the way, you do realize it's April Fools day? Are we a couple of fools? LOL! Take care, sweet dreams. I love you. -Sarah
Fools in love.....perhaps. LoL! Love you, F.B.
We told each other "I love you." it was a big step in our relationship. It confirmed the feelings we were having for each other. It didn't matter that we hadn't met. We had spent the past several months talking nearly every day. I still felt crazy... falling for someone I had never met. There were alot of insecurities too, but at that moment we decided to take the risk. And it was worth it.
Punkchick82 @ April 04 2004,19:12:
I looked this up on-line, so I'm not sure if it's correct or not, but: Mahal kita, F.B. If I said it right in Tagalog, then you know what I mean. -Sarah
Yep, you got right. You can also say:
"Mahal na mahal kita"- I love you so much.
"Mahal din/rin kita"- I love you too.
"Mahal ko"- My love
Mahal din kita, Sarah.
-F.B.
Hey F.B., I just knew that you were going to say something about the song, 'It's gonna be love' Now how did I know this? I'm psychic. Well... at least with you, I am. ;-) I love that song too. And it is a powerful song... maybe more so when you're thinking about someone you like... maybe even love. Gosh F, when I read your message on my phone, I couldn't stop smiling...
FB wrote: I first heard that song through the movie- "A Walk to Remember". I've been listening to it today from the soundtrack. And it's true that it reminds of you too. There's this other song by Mandy Moore that I like- "It's Gonna Be Love". I think the lyrics in there are really powerful (or maybe I'm just in love with you). There's a lot of emotion to it.....I like it. Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day.
Hey Mahal ko, This going to be one of those serious pm's, lol. (Though the laugh, prolly just made it less serious, ack! lol.) I was thinking about us. And where we stand in this whole mess of a "relationship" lol. Do we actually call it a relationship? I mean, I take it very seriously. I wouldn't take the time to get to know you, if I wasn't serious about you. So, what I'm trying to get to is, if one day, some guy comes up to me and says, "Hey, would you like to go out?" How am I going to answer? Would you like to know how I would answer? I'd say, "I can't, cuz I'm already involved with someone." That's how serious, I am about you. I don't want to go out with anyone else, I just want you. So... that's why I'm trying to define "us". I love you, and want to get to know you more, and who knows where that will take us. Only time will tell. And I think you're just as serious about it, as I am. I believe you when you say you love me. I love you too. And if you are just as serious, then I guess we can say we have a relationship. And you could take my word F, that if some guy asked me out, I'd say, "I can't. I'm already in a relationship." What do you think? It's kinda hard to define, cuz you're so far away from me. But that's how I feel about you. About us. I love you much, Sarah
What we have is definitely a relationship. And I am just as serious as you are with it. I've never been in any sort of relationships before and I don't intend to pursue anyone now that I know you. You and I have something special here. It's kinda weird though, being so far away and not having met yet. Sometimes I'm surprised that you feel that way for me.....but only because I feel the same way for you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
I'm surprised all the time, that you love me back. I'm surprised sometimes, by the way I feel about you. It's like this rush of 50 billion emotions all at once. I'm serious about you. About us. And I'm so happy you feel the same way. I don't want to get to know anyone else but you either. So if someone ever did ask me out, I'd say no. Because I love you that much. You're so special to me F, and you're right, what we have is special. It is tough being so far away from each other. And the fact that we've never met. But ya know... relationships take time. And even if we are this far apart, if we're still interested in each other two years from now, who knows what could happen. Eventually, I'd like to talk to you. And hopefully someday we'll get to meet each other. I mean, eventually we would have to, lol. Because if we love each other, and we work well in a relationship this way. Then we'd have to see if we worked well in a relationship together in person. But we have all the time in the world. Love is patient. Love takes time. Relationships take time. And I do love you. I'd wait as many years as it would take, just to be with you. Gosh... I am so blessed to know you, F. I love you, Sarah
You're right.....Love takes time. If it's gonna happen, it'll just happen. Just like the way we got to know each other. Nothing being forced, nothing being rushed. In any case, whatever happens.....I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
Hey F, I finished the story about us tonight. It's 7 pages long. I actually had to condense it a little, because I didn't want it to get too long, after all it's supposed to be a "short story" not a novel, lol. Anyway here it is. *blushes* again. Maybe someday this story, will kinda come true. Luv ya! Smile, take care! God bless! *~Sarah~*
FB wrote: HOLY CRAP!!! My cheeks are on fire, my ears are all red, and my heart is pounding. Sarah, I can't believe you actually wrote this. WOW! OMG, this is just too much for me to take.*deep breath*.....I gotta tell you though, I wish I was as smooth as that guy in the story. LoL! That last part actually brought a tear to my eye. I'm such a sap with this kinda stuff. You really are something else, Sarah.....Thanks. Ya know, my parents were pen pals for 8 months before they met. They were "together" for 28 months before eventually getting married- they were 26. My Mom was a grade school teacher then(now she's a housewife), while my Dad was a seaman(he wasn't a captain yet during that time). They're both from the Philippines.....Mom came from Luzon (North), Dad came from Mindanao (South). Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day. Luv ya back. F.B.
FB wrote: Hi Sarah! That's a great story about my parents, eh? My Mom's co-teacher knew my Dad. She gave him my Mom's name and address, Dad wrote to her, Mom wrote back. And that's basically how it started. They've been married for 25 years and yet they are so much in love. They still celebrate stuff like "first date", "first kiss", "first holding hands"(Yep, you read that right), stuff like that. LoL!.....Anyway, I never thought I'd meet someone that way. But ya know, you're kinda like my pen pal or cyber pal, or e-mail buddy, whatever. I wonder if we'll meet someday. And I understand about expressing your feelings through writing cuz that's the way I am too. I guess that's what kinda brought us together. I feel good sharing to you all of this stuff. Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day. Luv ya. F.B.
Used to your ways? I love your ways. I love everything about you. I love YOU.....just the way you are. Your thoughts are important to me too. So, feel free to express yourself. I'm here all the time. "Nothing without faith"- Faith gives you strength, it inspires you, it uplifts you, it shows you the way. I have faith in God and I have faith in you. You're a blessing from God and I thank Him for giving me the chance to know you. Haha! Isn't that odd- about missing someone you've never even met? I miss you and you're always in my thoughts. That's definitely a first for me- I've never felt like this for anyone ever. I'm still asking myself- "How'd that happen?" but I also keep saying- "I'm glad it did happen". I'm happy you're in my life. I love you, Sarah. F.B.
April was the month we took alot of risks. Telling each other, "I love you." was just the start. It wasn't long, before I was thinking about exchanging addresses and writing each other letters. Now THAT was a big risk, for the both of us. It was probably the most defining part of our relationship, because it made things more real, more personal. It proved this wasn't just some game we were playing, that our relationship was real, and this was happening.
Hey F... I was sitting in church today thinking about you, and smiling oh so much. Jessie remarked to me today when I was over their house, "You're way too happy." LOL! I said, "I'm sorry! I'll try to not be so happy, want me to think about something sad?" lol. Thinking about you makes me happy, I can't help feeling any other way. Anyway... I was thinking about how your parents met- and eventually.... down the line... if you wanted to... I was thinking, maybe we could write each other letters. Not all the time... since email is so darn convenient. But maybe sometimes.... that would be so nice... lol. Take care. God bless, Smile. I love you too, Sarah
Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! .....Way too happy? Really? You must've been grinning like nuts for Jessie to say that. LoL! Anyway, making you happy makes me happy. And knowing that I put a smile on your face makes my day. I'm taking up Psychology right now. I took up Computer Science for almost 2 years but I shifted to another course when I transferred. You wanna write letters, eh?.....Sure. I'd like that. Smile, Sarah. I love you. Take care, God bless. F.B.
Letters would be nice, once in awhile. Letters are so much more personal... letters would make things feel more real. I mean they already feel real enough, but I think you know what I mean. You should write me first. lol! Besides, in my entire 21 years, I've always been the one to initiate stuff, and most of the time it never got me anywhere... because the feelings weren't mutual. But... they are mutual with you. I want to be old fashioned, (in the sense, of a guy/girl relationship.) I'll talk to you later. Take care. Smile! Love you back, Sarah
Hi Sarah! I'm taking up Psychology.....And as for reading your mind- I can say that you're quite happy and that perhaps you're in love. Am I right? LoL. As for the letter thing.....Sure, I'll write to you first. If you wanna do it, I'm all for it. Smile, Sarah. I love you. - F.B.
Well what do you know- those Psychology classes must be paying off. Yes, I'm happier than I've been in the last 21 years of my life. And... why yes Professor Bernerdo, I do believe I am in love. How did that happen? I do want to do the letter thing and yeah... if I get a letter from you- then Jessie will really yell at me for being happy, LOL. Ack... but now I'm all scared, and nervous, and excited all at the same time. Because you're YOU, and you're REAL. And this is REAL. And I do love you. You'll have to send me your address too. But, I'll be nice, and give you mine first.... Ack... well... here it is. I love you, Sarah
Hi Sarah! So, you're happier than ever.....Good for you, that's nice to know. And you're in love.....lucky guy. LoL! HOLY CRAP!!! I didn't expect you to give me your address right away. WOW! LoL! You really do trust me, eh? Thanks. Here's my address. I'll send you a letter some time soon. I'll send you a pic when I do so. And yes, you are pretty. And you know how much I love ears. LoL! Smile, Sarah. No worries. Take care, God bless. I love you. F.B.
Hey F, Did you ever think things would get this serious? I didn't. When I first saw you on the boards, I thought of you as a friend that I could joke with, and then as we Pm-ed each other more, and I got to know you, I liked you, alot. Then... I realized, I loved you. I didn't expect any of it, it just kind of happened. You kinda of happened. Love you much. Smile, Sarah
I didn't expect anything like this either. I just wanted to goof off around the boards. But you were just too darn likeable for me to resist. LoL! So, I started Pm'ing you and stuff, then it's like you said- it just happened. Also, it's a good thing my Mom dragged me to watch "Freaky Friday" cuz if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't know anything about the forum and I'd probably be in bed right now sleeping instead of writing this Pm to you. LoL! Thanks to my Mom and Lindsay, I got to know you! I'm such a lucky guy. I love you, Sarah. F.B.
A few days after we first said, "I love you." and exchanged addresses. The Lindsay fan forum closed unexpectedly. It left us feeling sort of lost, because after so many months it had become almost like a 2nd home, talking with our friends. And being able to private message each other back and forth. It was where we first met, and alot of our history was lost when the forum closed.
Sarah wrote: Did you see what's going on with the boards?! I tried to log in, to check if I had any messages, and the boards are offline. Infact... it says the boards are merging with location lohan- and the lindsayfans boards won't exist anymore! It says to hurry up over to locationlohan.com , to create a user name. But... gosh F... that's so so sad. I want to cry. I've been coming to this place for almost a year.... it's where I met you. How can they do that? That really sucks.... gosh... is it stupid to cry over something like this? Because I feel like crying. -Sarah
Hi Sarah! It is kinda sad, we won't probably see those posts we've made in the past. Anyway I guess it means better things to come. Maybe locationlohan will have an overhaul sometime soon now that there's gonna be a merge. I registered awhile back with the same username- "Neo-Genesis" but I still haven't gotten the e-mail from locationlohan so I still can't do any posting. But don't cry, we'll probably be doing the same ol' things, only now it'll be in a slightly different place. Things change, ya know. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Take care. I love you. F.B.
It really never was the same. Even though we occasionally posted at the new forum, nothing could ever replace the first forum we had met on.
Around mid April, I received F.B.'s first letter. Was that ever nerve wracking?! I remember my hands were shaking the very first time, I held a letter from him, looking at the Philippine postmark, and checking out his writing. We were both online at the time when his letter came.
Hey F, YOU MAILED IT!? Don't be teasing me now mahal, lol -Sarah
Haha! I mailed my letter Monday(April 12). I wonder when you'll get it....."Snail mail" indeed. Lol! I love you. -F.B.
HOLY CRAP! Right after I just sent this message, I went to see if the mailman had brought your letter, and guess what! I'm holding it in my hands RIGHT NOW! hahaha, I'm so excited, my hands are shaking, lol. -Sarah
HOLY CRAP!!! So, you gonna read it already? This is kinda embarrassing, my pic's right there.....SHEESH!!!
Holy crap, I just read your letter, my hands are still shaking mahal. lol. Hey Mr. B. you are cute! But... you might have to shave your little mustache for me, haha. It's just one of my peeves I guess. Your sis is so cute! Aw! I'm so happy right now, I can't believe you started writing my letter right after you got my address, haha. Now I'm going to have to go work on yours tonight! -Sarah
So, you read it already, eh? The pic's kinda crapped out, I would've had it recopied but I couldn't find the film. And about my mustache(actually, I call them whiskers. LoL!), I actually shaved them on New Year's Eve right when we arrived from Hong Kong. -F.B.
Your printing is so nice too, hee hee, I love it! I love you! Haha, and you shaved! Good thing! Smooth faces are so much better. Sheesh... why are my hands shaking still? I keep holding onto your letter. You are so tan, lol. I'd be the whitest girl in the world next to you. I never tan, I burn- lol. I burn bright red! LOL. -Sarah
Really? I never thought I was tan.....You like my handwriting, eh? Thanks. But seriously, when I started writing in cursive- I was really surprised at how hard it took for me to get it. LoL! Love you back. -F.B.
Haha, you live where its summer all the time, how could you not be tan Mr. B.?! Yep, like I said I never tan, lol... everyone in the summer time is like, "Sarah, you're so white- get some sun." And I'm like, "I am in the sun, I just don't tan- I burn, lol." -SLC
I was wondering.....would you have checked the mail if I hadn't told you about it a while ago? That was kinda weird- just when we were talking about it, it finally shows up. LoL! -F.B.
Hi Sarah! Here's something interesting- my parents were penpals for like 8 months or so, right? But they never knew what each other looked like until the day they actually met. Anyway, I've been bringing your letter to school. I love reading it. Btw, I remember you saying one time that you might edit your letter before sending it to me. Well, did you? Or am I reading the "original"? Oh yeah, I remember- you did love me even before seeing my pic. Well, it was the same for me. I loved you ever since I called you Sarah#2. Smile, Sarah. No worries Have a nice day. I love you. -F.B.
Ya know, I did like you even before seeing your pic. In fact, I think I loved you already right there. I just admired your writing and your faith. And I had lots of fun with you around the forum too. Haha! Those crazy posts and those nice pms at LF...Ahhh, the memories. I'm so glad I bumped into you.....Who woulda thought? LoL! What a lucky guy I am to have found such a special girl. You're such a blessing and I am forever thankful that you allowed me to be part of your life. I need you, Sarah.....I love you so much. -F.B.
There was a thread on the forum where members were posting poems or songs they had written. The one night, I had written a poem about F.B. and decided to post it. Turns out he had written one about me too.
It's complicated
It's all too real
These feelings
Like an open book
You read me
See me for me
And it's the first time
I'm feeling again
I'm exposed
I can't hide away
Cause you've changed me
So let me put my heart
On the line
For you to unwind
Cause you're what
makes my day.
-Sarah
I've never seen You
And yet I know You're beautiful
I've never spoken to You
And yet I feel that I can tell You anything
I've only known You for awhile
And yet I trust every word You say
I've never met You
And yet I feel that I've known You all my life
I've never been anywhere close to You
And yet I feel You here with me
Why?
I ask myself
Perhaps it's because
I Love You
[NEO]
Aw, did you write that last night, or did you write it up after you saw mine? lol. I wrote my poem/thoughts whatever last night before I went to bed. It was one of those times, where I needed to get my thoughts out. When I read your poem, I apply it to you F. Right down to the last line. -Sarah
I'm glad you like it. I actually wrote that 2 nights ago but I wasn't sure of posting it cuz you might think I'm some psycho freak. LoL! [NEO]
I think you're the opposite of a psycho freak. You're just a freak. I'm kidding, kidding F! And I think I do love ya F.B. -Sarah
WOW! Ya think?.....I know I love ya, Sarah. ! [NEO]
Well, I guess I say I 'think' I love you. Because, the way I grew up, love was like- two neighbors or friends, falling in love and getting married. And that's what I thought would happen to me. But I don't know... maybe that's not what God has planned. I've never met you F. I've never seen your interactions, or expressions, looked into your eyes, or even heard your voice. But I do know your personality, thoughts, emotion's, and heart. And I know I love you when it comes to that. Ack... holy crap. I said those three little words! Love you much, Sarah
Gotta go now, Sarah. Good night. I love you too. [NEO]
By the way, you do realize it's April Fools day? Are we a couple of fools? LOL! Take care, sweet dreams. I love you. -Sarah
Fools in love.....perhaps. LoL! Love you, F.B.
We told each other "I love you." it was a big step in our relationship. It confirmed the feelings we were having for each other. It didn't matter that we hadn't met. We had spent the past several months talking nearly every day. I still felt crazy... falling for someone I had never met. There were alot of insecurities too, but at that moment we decided to take the risk. And it was worth it.
Punkchick82 @ April 04 2004,19:12:
I looked this up on-line, so I'm not sure if it's correct or not, but: Mahal kita, F.B. If I said it right in Tagalog, then you know what I mean. -Sarah
Yep, you got right. You can also say:
"Mahal na mahal kita"- I love you so much.
"Mahal din/rin kita"- I love you too.
"Mahal ko"- My love
Mahal din kita, Sarah.
-F.B.
Hey F.B., I just knew that you were going to say something about the song, 'It's gonna be love' Now how did I know this? I'm psychic. Well... at least with you, I am. ;-) I love that song too. And it is a powerful song... maybe more so when you're thinking about someone you like... maybe even love. Gosh F, when I read your message on my phone, I couldn't stop smiling...
FB wrote: I first heard that song through the movie- "A Walk to Remember". I've been listening to it today from the soundtrack. And it's true that it reminds of you too. There's this other song by Mandy Moore that I like- "It's Gonna Be Love". I think the lyrics in there are really powerful (or maybe I'm just in love with you). There's a lot of emotion to it.....I like it. Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day.
Hey Mahal ko, This going to be one of those serious pm's, lol. (Though the laugh, prolly just made it less serious, ack! lol.) I was thinking about us. And where we stand in this whole mess of a "relationship" lol. Do we actually call it a relationship? I mean, I take it very seriously. I wouldn't take the time to get to know you, if I wasn't serious about you. So, what I'm trying to get to is, if one day, some guy comes up to me and says, "Hey, would you like to go out?" How am I going to answer? Would you like to know how I would answer? I'd say, "I can't, cuz I'm already involved with someone." That's how serious, I am about you. I don't want to go out with anyone else, I just want you. So... that's why I'm trying to define "us". I love you, and want to get to know you more, and who knows where that will take us. Only time will tell. And I think you're just as serious about it, as I am. I believe you when you say you love me. I love you too. And if you are just as serious, then I guess we can say we have a relationship. And you could take my word F, that if some guy asked me out, I'd say, "I can't. I'm already in a relationship." What do you think? It's kinda hard to define, cuz you're so far away from me. But that's how I feel about you. About us. I love you much, Sarah
What we have is definitely a relationship. And I am just as serious as you are with it. I've never been in any sort of relationships before and I don't intend to pursue anyone now that I know you. You and I have something special here. It's kinda weird though, being so far away and not having met yet. Sometimes I'm surprised that you feel that way for me.....but only because I feel the same way for you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
I'm surprised all the time, that you love me back. I'm surprised sometimes, by the way I feel about you. It's like this rush of 50 billion emotions all at once. I'm serious about you. About us. And I'm so happy you feel the same way. I don't want to get to know anyone else but you either. So if someone ever did ask me out, I'd say no. Because I love you that much. You're so special to me F, and you're right, what we have is special. It is tough being so far away from each other. And the fact that we've never met. But ya know... relationships take time. And even if we are this far apart, if we're still interested in each other two years from now, who knows what could happen. Eventually, I'd like to talk to you. And hopefully someday we'll get to meet each other. I mean, eventually we would have to, lol. Because if we love each other, and we work well in a relationship this way. Then we'd have to see if we worked well in a relationship together in person. But we have all the time in the world. Love is patient. Love takes time. Relationships take time. And I do love you. I'd wait as many years as it would take, just to be with you. Gosh... I am so blessed to know you, F. I love you, Sarah
You're right.....Love takes time. If it's gonna happen, it'll just happen. Just like the way we got to know each other. Nothing being forced, nothing being rushed. In any case, whatever happens.....I love you, Sarah. -F.B.
Hey F, I finished the story about us tonight. It's 7 pages long. I actually had to condense it a little, because I didn't want it to get too long, after all it's supposed to be a "short story" not a novel, lol. Anyway here it is. *blushes* again. Maybe someday this story, will kinda come true. Luv ya! Smile, take care! God bless! *~Sarah~*
FB wrote: HOLY CRAP!!! My cheeks are on fire, my ears are all red, and my heart is pounding. Sarah, I can't believe you actually wrote this. WOW! OMG, this is just too much for me to take.*deep breath*.....I gotta tell you though, I wish I was as smooth as that guy in the story. LoL! That last part actually brought a tear to my eye. I'm such a sap with this kinda stuff. You really are something else, Sarah.....Thanks. Ya know, my parents were pen pals for 8 months before they met. They were "together" for 28 months before eventually getting married- they were 26. My Mom was a grade school teacher then(now she's a housewife), while my Dad was a seaman(he wasn't a captain yet during that time). They're both from the Philippines.....Mom came from Luzon (North), Dad came from Mindanao (South). Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day. Luv ya back. F.B.
FB wrote: Hi Sarah! That's a great story about my parents, eh? My Mom's co-teacher knew my Dad. She gave him my Mom's name and address, Dad wrote to her, Mom wrote back. And that's basically how it started. They've been married for 25 years and yet they are so much in love. They still celebrate stuff like "first date", "first kiss", "first holding hands"(Yep, you read that right), stuff like that. LoL!.....Anyway, I never thought I'd meet someone that way. But ya know, you're kinda like my pen pal or cyber pal, or e-mail buddy, whatever. I wonder if we'll meet someday. And I understand about expressing your feelings through writing cuz that's the way I am too. I guess that's what kinda brought us together. I feel good sharing to you all of this stuff. Smile, Sarah. Have a nice day. Luv ya. F.B.
Used to your ways? I love your ways. I love everything about you. I love YOU.....just the way you are. Your thoughts are important to me too. So, feel free to express yourself. I'm here all the time. "Nothing without faith"- Faith gives you strength, it inspires you, it uplifts you, it shows you the way. I have faith in God and I have faith in you. You're a blessing from God and I thank Him for giving me the chance to know you. Haha! Isn't that odd- about missing someone you've never even met? I miss you and you're always in my thoughts. That's definitely a first for me- I've never felt like this for anyone ever. I'm still asking myself- "How'd that happen?" but I also keep saying- "I'm glad it did happen". I'm happy you're in my life. I love you, Sarah. F.B.
April was the month we took alot of risks. Telling each other, "I love you." was just the start. It wasn't long, before I was thinking about exchanging addresses and writing each other letters. Now THAT was a big risk, for the both of us. It was probably the most defining part of our relationship, because it made things more real, more personal. It proved this wasn't just some game we were playing, that our relationship was real, and this was happening.
Hey F... I was sitting in church today thinking about you, and smiling oh so much. Jessie remarked to me today when I was over their house, "You're way too happy." LOL! I said, "I'm sorry! I'll try to not be so happy, want me to think about something sad?" lol. Thinking about you makes me happy, I can't help feeling any other way. Anyway... I was thinking about how your parents met- and eventually.... down the line... if you wanted to... I was thinking, maybe we could write each other letters. Not all the time... since email is so darn convenient. But maybe sometimes.... that would be so nice... lol. Take care. God bless, Smile. I love you too, Sarah
Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! .....Way too happy? Really? You must've been grinning like nuts for Jessie to say that. LoL! Anyway, making you happy makes me happy. And knowing that I put a smile on your face makes my day. I'm taking up Psychology right now. I took up Computer Science for almost 2 years but I shifted to another course when I transferred. You wanna write letters, eh?.....Sure. I'd like that. Smile, Sarah. I love you. Take care, God bless. F.B.
Letters would be nice, once in awhile. Letters are so much more personal... letters would make things feel more real. I mean they already feel real enough, but I think you know what I mean. You should write me first. lol! Besides, in my entire 21 years, I've always been the one to initiate stuff, and most of the time it never got me anywhere... because the feelings weren't mutual. But... they are mutual with you. I want to be old fashioned, (in the sense, of a guy/girl relationship.) I'll talk to you later. Take care. Smile! Love you back, Sarah
Hi Sarah! I'm taking up Psychology.....And as for reading your mind- I can say that you're quite happy and that perhaps you're in love. Am I right? LoL. As for the letter thing.....Sure, I'll write to you first. If you wanna do it, I'm all for it. Smile, Sarah. I love you. - F.B.
Well what do you know- those Psychology classes must be paying off. Yes, I'm happier than I've been in the last 21 years of my life. And... why yes Professor Bernerdo, I do believe I am in love. How did that happen? I do want to do the letter thing and yeah... if I get a letter from you- then Jessie will really yell at me for being happy, LOL. Ack... but now I'm all scared, and nervous, and excited all at the same time. Because you're YOU, and you're REAL. And this is REAL. And I do love you. You'll have to send me your address too. But, I'll be nice, and give you mine first.... Ack... well... here it is. I love you, Sarah
Hi Sarah! So, you're happier than ever.....Good for you, that's nice to know. And you're in love.....lucky guy. LoL! HOLY CRAP!!! I didn't expect you to give me your address right away. WOW! LoL! You really do trust me, eh? Thanks. Here's my address. I'll send you a letter some time soon. I'll send you a pic when I do so. And yes, you are pretty. And you know how much I love ears. LoL! Smile, Sarah. No worries. Take care, God bless. I love you. F.B.
Hey F, Did you ever think things would get this serious? I didn't. When I first saw you on the boards, I thought of you as a friend that I could joke with, and then as we Pm-ed each other more, and I got to know you, I liked you, alot. Then... I realized, I loved you. I didn't expect any of it, it just kind of happened. You kinda of happened. Love you much. Smile, Sarah
I didn't expect anything like this either. I just wanted to goof off around the boards. But you were just too darn likeable for me to resist. LoL! So, I started Pm'ing you and stuff, then it's like you said- it just happened. Also, it's a good thing my Mom dragged me to watch "Freaky Friday" cuz if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't know anything about the forum and I'd probably be in bed right now sleeping instead of writing this Pm to you. LoL! Thanks to my Mom and Lindsay, I got to know you! I'm such a lucky guy. I love you, Sarah. F.B.
A few days after we first said, "I love you." and exchanged addresses. The Lindsay fan forum closed unexpectedly. It left us feeling sort of lost, because after so many months it had become almost like a 2nd home, talking with our friends. And being able to private message each other back and forth. It was where we first met, and alot of our history was lost when the forum closed.
Sarah wrote: Did you see what's going on with the boards?! I tried to log in, to check if I had any messages, and the boards are offline. Infact... it says the boards are merging with location lohan- and the lindsayfans boards won't exist anymore! It says to hurry up over to locationlohan.com , to create a user name. But... gosh F... that's so so sad. I want to cry. I've been coming to this place for almost a year.... it's where I met you. How can they do that? That really sucks.... gosh... is it stupid to cry over something like this? Because I feel like crying. -Sarah
Hi Sarah! It is kinda sad, we won't probably see those posts we've made in the past. Anyway I guess it means better things to come. Maybe locationlohan will have an overhaul sometime soon now that there's gonna be a merge. I registered awhile back with the same username- "Neo-Genesis" but I still haven't gotten the e-mail from locationlohan so I still can't do any posting. But don't cry, we'll probably be doing the same ol' things, only now it'll be in a slightly different place. Things change, ya know. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Take care. I love you. F.B.
It really never was the same. Even though we occasionally posted at the new forum, nothing could ever replace the first forum we had met on.
Around mid April, I received F.B.'s first letter. Was that ever nerve wracking?! I remember my hands were shaking the very first time, I held a letter from him, looking at the Philippine postmark, and checking out his writing. We were both online at the time when his letter came.
Hey F, YOU MAILED IT!? Don't be teasing me now mahal, lol -Sarah
Haha! I mailed my letter Monday(April 12). I wonder when you'll get it....."Snail mail" indeed. Lol! I love you. -F.B.
HOLY CRAP! Right after I just sent this message, I went to see if the mailman had brought your letter, and guess what! I'm holding it in my hands RIGHT NOW! hahaha, I'm so excited, my hands are shaking, lol. -Sarah
HOLY CRAP!!! So, you gonna read it already? This is kinda embarrassing, my pic's right there.....SHEESH!!!
Holy crap, I just read your letter, my hands are still shaking mahal. lol. Hey Mr. B. you are cute! But... you might have to shave your little mustache for me, haha. It's just one of my peeves I guess. Your sis is so cute! Aw! I'm so happy right now, I can't believe you started writing my letter right after you got my address, haha. Now I'm going to have to go work on yours tonight! -Sarah
So, you read it already, eh? The pic's kinda crapped out, I would've had it recopied but I couldn't find the film. And about my mustache(actually, I call them whiskers. LoL!), I actually shaved them on New Year's Eve right when we arrived from Hong Kong. -F.B.
Your printing is so nice too, hee hee, I love it! I love you! Haha, and you shaved! Good thing! Smooth faces are so much better. Sheesh... why are my hands shaking still? I keep holding onto your letter. You are so tan, lol. I'd be the whitest girl in the world next to you. I never tan, I burn- lol. I burn bright red! LOL. -Sarah
Really? I never thought I was tan.....You like my handwriting, eh? Thanks. But seriously, when I started writing in cursive- I was really surprised at how hard it took for me to get it. LoL! Love you back. -F.B.
Haha, you live where its summer all the time, how could you not be tan Mr. B.?! Yep, like I said I never tan, lol... everyone in the summer time is like, "Sarah, you're so white- get some sun." And I'm like, "I am in the sun, I just don't tan- I burn, lol." -SLC
I was wondering.....would you have checked the mail if I hadn't told you about it a while ago? That was kinda weird- just when we were talking about it, it finally shows up. LoL! -F.B.
Hi Sarah! Here's something interesting- my parents were penpals for like 8 months or so, right? But they never knew what each other looked like until the day they actually met. Anyway, I've been bringing your letter to school. I love reading it. Btw, I remember you saying one time that you might edit your letter before sending it to me. Well, did you? Or am I reading the "original"? Oh yeah, I remember- you did love me even before seeing my pic. Well, it was the same for me. I loved you ever since I called you Sarah#2. Smile, Sarah. No worries Have a nice day. I love you. -F.B.
Ya know, I did like you even before seeing your pic. In fact, I think I loved you already right there. I just admired your writing and your faith. And I had lots of fun with you around the forum too. Haha! Those crazy posts and those nice pms at LF...Ahhh, the memories. I'm so glad I bumped into you.....Who woulda thought? LoL! What a lucky guy I am to have found such a special girl. You're such a blessing and I am forever thankful that you allowed me to be part of your life. I need you, Sarah.....I love you so much. -F.B.
Lindsay Lohan
Long Distance Relationships
Memories
The Beginning
New Beginnings...
I never thought I’d be writing my own love story…
When I was around seven years old I starting writing books. Some of my earlier works were created on construction paper, mostly about lost dogs or cats that misbehaved. When I was a teenager I wrote about romance. Stories all about ordinary people falling in love under extraordinary circumstances. (In other words, fairy tales.) I never imagined that my own story would be just as exciting, or that it would keep me turning the pages anticipating the ending. Only my story doesn’t have an ending yet. It’s just beginning….
September 2003:
I had just turned 21 years old. My cousins & I had gone to the movies to see the Disney remake of ‘Freaky Friday’ starring the actress Lindsay Lohan. I had learned to play guitar two years prior and I was enthralled with a few of the songs in the film. I went searching online for guitar chords, hoping I could play this one particular song. But the movie was too new and I didn’t have any luck. I did however, stumble upon a forum called, ‘Lindsay Fans’. Where fans could post and discuss the actress Lindsay Lohan. I decided to sign up under the screen name ‘Punkchick82’ and I posted a thread asking if anyone knew the guitar chords to the song I wanted to learn. It wasn’t long before someone replied to my thread and posted the guitar chords for me. I never did learn how to play that song…
Over the next few weeks and months I would browse online at the forum, reading what other fans had to say. The community was under supervision of the more mature webmasters that ran the website. If you acted out you were banned for a certain amount of time and restricted from the forum. Kept it up and you were banned for good. Bad mouthing, vulgar language was always filtered. After all, Lindsay Lohan had a lot of younger fans.
I didn’t start posting a lot right away. I’d just log in, read what messages other members had posted. I wasn’t all that familiar with what a web forum was and it didn’t really interest me at first to include myself in discussions or talk with the other members. The place was very laid back and had a family atmosphere to it. You could joke around, act silly, and even though the majority of topics were about Lindsay Lohan, there were lots of off topic conversations as well. It really started to grow on me after awhile, and I wanted to be part of the group and not just observe. I started replying here or there at first, terrified what the other member’s responses would be. At first I stuck to the ‘Lindsay’ topics and avoided the off topic section, I still felt like an outsider.
Late October was around the time when the member ‘Neo-Genesis’ first appeared. I didn’t pay much attention. I was still in my observing phase then and all the user names blurred together. It was months later when F.B. explained to me that his screen name Neo Genesis meant, “New Beginning.” I think it was for both of us.
January 2004:
It wasn’t until late January that I started posting on the forum a lot. By that time it was easy for me to tell the members apart and recognize who was a regular and who wasn’t.
There was another ‘Sarah’ on the boards, so I got stuck with the nickname ‘Sarah #2’ and that’s what everyone usually called me. I wasn’t an outsider anymore. I got to know a few people and even made a few close friends. We would see each other online and joke around or talk about different topics in the forum. Neo-Genesis was one of those people I talked with. He had a corny sense of humor and we liked a lot of the same bands. We always had fun joking around and posting on the boards. I didn’t talk with him anymore then I talked with anyone else but he started to stand out to me…
On one occasion in the forum he had typed the name ‘Sarah’ over and over. Intentionally meant for the original Sarah, I couldn’t help being annoyed at seeing my name typed over and over:
Thread: How do we know that, none of us are actually Lindsay
Neo-Genesis @ Jan. 23 2004, 09:21PM
SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 08:17PM:
Woah... Chill Neo! Sarah #1 isn't here. But I am. Can you quit saying my name, lol. Btw- *looks suspiciously at Neo* "How do I know you're not really Lindsay?" Bwhahaha!
Padfoot9 posted: Jan. 24 2004, 03:11AM:
That's true dedication right there. Whoever you are Sarah, you should embrace Neo for the rest of your life.
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:51PM:
LOL! I think I'm a little old for Neo, lol.
LLSuperfanatic1219 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:58 PM:
Sarah #2, Neo's 24!!!!!!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:59 PM:
Neo's 24!? wow! LOL! I didn't know that. Okay, then I'm too young for him, LOL! :-p
LLSuperfanatic1219 Posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:00AM:
LOL!!!! Three years isn't that big of a difference Ms. "Drama Queen!"
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:01AM:
Lol. you're right.
LLSuperfanatic1219 posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:06AM:
If I had been incorrect, I don't think I would've said that!!!!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 25 2004, 01:38AM:
Very interesting. :-)
So I acted nochalant, hehe! Finding out that Neo was older than I had first expected, was interesting to me. Like I said, he began to stand out to me, I enjoyed joking around with him and spending time with him on the forum. Still where was this heading? I didn’t even know this guy personally. I knew next to nothing about him, except that he like Maroon 5, The black eyed peas, Basketball and of course Lindsay Lohan. This was crazy… I couldn’t have feelings for someone I’d never met! I didn’t even know his real name!
It wasn’t long though before my feelings started to reveal themselves right into my posts:
Thread: My poem about my ex-best friend
Neo-Genesis posted Jan. 25 2004,06:49PM:
Where's my advil?.....I need my advil!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 26 2004, 05:56PM:
Here Neo, *hands Neo a bottle of advil* Take two and call me in the morning. (But then again, you might need more than just two hanging around these boards, lol.
Neo-Genesis posted Jan. 26 2004,07:26PM:
Sure. I'll call you, Sarah#2, but you forgot to give me your phone number......Can I have it, can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? (just playin')
Punkchick82 posted Jan. 26 2004,12:56PM:
LOL! You don't need my number Neo, all you have to do is say my name, and I'll be there. woah... mental flashback of parents frightening oldies.... wasn't that a song?
Neo-Genesis posted: Jan 27 2004, 01:31PM:
SARAH#2!!!!!!!!!! *cricket sounds, tumbleweed blows by*
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 27 2004, 05:56PM:
HAHAHA! You crack me me up Neo. BTW... where are we, if
there's tumbleweeds blowing by?
We were just playing at first. We would flirt back and forth on the boards acting silly, but it started to become apparent that Neo might be having similar feelings…
Punkchick92 posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:01PM
You mean spam in a can? Or computer spam, cuz if you luv it Neo, then I can certainly spam up your pm box, hee hee.
Neo-Genesis posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:03PM
Yeah, spam in a can....
And Sarah#2, if you spammed up my Pm box that would ROCK my world.
Punkchick92 posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:06PM
Watch out then....
Neo-Genesis posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:09
I'll be looking forward to it.
There was a private message feature in the forum. That acted almost like email. You had your own personal inbox and you could message other members. The very first private message I ever sent Neo was the lyrics to a Michelle Branch song.
'Cause you're Everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, it's you I see You're everything I know, that makes me believe I'm not alone…'
This was the first of many messages Neo & I would send back and forth to each other. We sent each other messages almost every day.
Hi Sarah! "Kumusta ka?"- that's Tagalog (my native language) for "How are you?".
"Salamat"- that's Tagalog for "Thank You". Thanks for the info on "Sleepless.....". I've probably watched little bits of it cuz I remember a scene where this kid is calling a radio station. Maybe next time, I'll get to watch the whole thing.
Time check: *thinking* "It's 2:30 a.m. here, that means it's 1:30 in the afternoon at Sarah's. I wonder what she's doing.....Hmmmmm."
Thanks for making me smile, I'll see ya when I see ya. Take care, God bless, F.B.
It was then Neo, became F.B. to me, or simply F for short. (Though he remained Neo on the forum itself whenever we talked.) He was 24 years old, he lived in the Philippines. He went to college, he had a younger sister, and still lived at home.
1. Full name: F.B. Felizen Christopher S. Bernardo.....pretty long, eh? F.B. is the initials of my Dad, Felizen is a combination of my parents' names (Felicisimo & Zenaida), Christopher (St. of travellers-my Dad's a ship captain, remember?) and S. stands for Salazar (Mom's maiden name).
I speak both tagalog and English equally. But I'm more comfortable reading and writing in English and there's still some tagalog words I'm confuzzled with. And when I'm thinking things through, I think in English......like right now- "I wonder when my letter's gonna arrive at Philly?". Confession: When I talk to myself (not aloud, but through my mind), I talk in English.....Yes, I'm crazy. LoL! Smile, Sarah. F.B.
We started to get to know each other more personally. And it became more obvious as the months passed that we were both starting to have feelings for each other.
Thread: Poems... poems... poems!!!:
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 2 2004, 05:24AM:
Okay... I'm still stuck in writer’s block mode. But I managed to squeeze out the beginnings of a sappy song.... so I thought I'd share what I have so far,
Verse 1: (not finished..) As the sun starts to set, a new day begins, I'm staring out the window pane, wondering what life for you will bring..................
Chorus: If I close my eyes, I see your smile.
And it feels like we're closer than a thousand miles.
When I close my eyes, I feel your hand in mine.
Your kiss on my cheek sweeter than wine
I want you here.... with me
But maybe this was the way things were meant to be
Living our lives separately.
I'm aggravated by those last two lines of the chorus, it sounds way too much like Michelle Branch, arrgh, but I can't think of another way to say it. Oh well, it's only a rough draft!
That's all I've got for now, lol.
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 2 2004, 01:47PM:
That's nice, Sarah#2.....It kinda reminds me of you.
Btw, I think I've got poster's block. LoL!
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 3 2004, 02:58AM:
Neo, I wonder why it reminds you about me. *blushes furiously*
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 3 2004, 12:58PM:
Hmmmm, let's see.....maybe it's because I feel that way for you, Sarah#2? Whatcha think?
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 3 2004, 03:14PM:
Maybe cuz it's about you... lol.
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 4 2004, 11:48AM:
WOW! Then we feel the same way for each other, Sarah#2.
Punkchick82 Posted: Mar 4 2004, 01:04PM:
You just realized this Neo? lol.
We started emailing eachother outside the forum. I could check email on my phone while I was at work and almost every day I would find a short message from F.B.
I cannot forget Refuse to regret So glad I met you Take my breath away Make everyday Worth all of the pain I have gone through
Those are lines from another Maroon5 song- "The Sun". It's pretty straightforward really- I'm glad that I got the chance to know you, Sarah.....Well, that's my junk mail. See ya. F.B.
It was nice getting to know eachother and it didn't seem weird that only a few months prior we had been complete strangers. We were still complete strangers... I hadn't seen a picture of him yet and he had never seen a picture of me. I finally got brave enough to share a picture of myself when someone started a thread asking members to post their pictures. F.B. pm-ed me about it when he saw:
When I look at your pic- I see the girl I have fun with, the girl that makes me smile, the girl that makes me happy, the girl I like, the girl I love.....I see you, Sarah (Though where are your ears? LoL!). It's nice to see a smile on your face. Is there ever a time I put a smile on yours? Maybe you'll get to see a pic of me someday. That is, when I figure out how to do it. LoL! Have a nice day. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I hadn't told anyone about F.B. yet. I was afraid of stereotyping, that people would think I was out of mind. Sometimes I felt out of mind. What was I doing? He was so far away and how would we ever get together? Still... he had relatives in the United States so it was possible that we would meet one day. But still, what was I doing having feelings for someone I had never met? Had never seen a picture of? It was weird. It just felt right, I can't explain it. Like we were meant to be together.
My Cousin Chrissy & I were hanging out one day in late March. I had bought Maroon 5's c.d. because F liked them so much and 'She will be loved' was sort of our song at the time. I remember being in the car with my cousin listening to Maroon 5 and somehow I mentioned that a guy had recommended the c.d. to me. My cousin immediately asked, "Jimmy?" Jimmy was one of my close friends from church that I had alot of history with. I said "No... it was some another guy." I left it at that even though she was pretty curious. Eventually I wrote her an email about what had been going on for the past few months. I was afraid of her judging me or giving me a lecture. But she was understanding and wished I had told her about us sooner.
When I was around seven years old I starting writing books. Some of my earlier works were created on construction paper, mostly about lost dogs or cats that misbehaved. When I was a teenager I wrote about romance. Stories all about ordinary people falling in love under extraordinary circumstances. (In other words, fairy tales.) I never imagined that my own story would be just as exciting, or that it would keep me turning the pages anticipating the ending. Only my story doesn’t have an ending yet. It’s just beginning….
September 2003:
I had just turned 21 years old. My cousins & I had gone to the movies to see the Disney remake of ‘Freaky Friday’ starring the actress Lindsay Lohan. I had learned to play guitar two years prior and I was enthralled with a few of the songs in the film. I went searching online for guitar chords, hoping I could play this one particular song. But the movie was too new and I didn’t have any luck. I did however, stumble upon a forum called, ‘Lindsay Fans’. Where fans could post and discuss the actress Lindsay Lohan. I decided to sign up under the screen name ‘Punkchick82’ and I posted a thread asking if anyone knew the guitar chords to the song I wanted to learn. It wasn’t long before someone replied to my thread and posted the guitar chords for me. I never did learn how to play that song…
Over the next few weeks and months I would browse online at the forum, reading what other fans had to say. The community was under supervision of the more mature webmasters that ran the website. If you acted out you were banned for a certain amount of time and restricted from the forum. Kept it up and you were banned for good. Bad mouthing, vulgar language was always filtered. After all, Lindsay Lohan had a lot of younger fans.
I didn’t start posting a lot right away. I’d just log in, read what messages other members had posted. I wasn’t all that familiar with what a web forum was and it didn’t really interest me at first to include myself in discussions or talk with the other members. The place was very laid back and had a family atmosphere to it. You could joke around, act silly, and even though the majority of topics were about Lindsay Lohan, there were lots of off topic conversations as well. It really started to grow on me after awhile, and I wanted to be part of the group and not just observe. I started replying here or there at first, terrified what the other member’s responses would be. At first I stuck to the ‘Lindsay’ topics and avoided the off topic section, I still felt like an outsider.
Late October was around the time when the member ‘Neo-Genesis’ first appeared. I didn’t pay much attention. I was still in my observing phase then and all the user names blurred together. It was months later when F.B. explained to me that his screen name Neo Genesis meant, “New Beginning.” I think it was for both of us.
January 2004:
It wasn’t until late January that I started posting on the forum a lot. By that time it was easy for me to tell the members apart and recognize who was a regular and who wasn’t.
There was another ‘Sarah’ on the boards, so I got stuck with the nickname ‘Sarah #2’ and that’s what everyone usually called me. I wasn’t an outsider anymore. I got to know a few people and even made a few close friends. We would see each other online and joke around or talk about different topics in the forum. Neo-Genesis was one of those people I talked with. He had a corny sense of humor and we liked a lot of the same bands. We always had fun joking around and posting on the boards. I didn’t talk with him anymore then I talked with anyone else but he started to stand out to me…
On one occasion in the forum he had typed the name ‘Sarah’ over and over. Intentionally meant for the original Sarah, I couldn’t help being annoyed at seeing my name typed over and over:
Thread: How do we know that, none of us are actually Lindsay
Neo-Genesis @ Jan. 23 2004, 09:21PM
SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH SARAH
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 08:17PM:
Woah... Chill Neo! Sarah #1 isn't here. But I am. Can you quit saying my name, lol. Btw- *looks suspiciously at Neo* "How do I know you're not really Lindsay?" Bwhahaha!
Padfoot9 posted: Jan. 24 2004, 03:11AM:
That's true dedication right there. Whoever you are Sarah, you should embrace Neo for the rest of your life.
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:51PM:
LOL! I think I'm a little old for Neo, lol.
LLSuperfanatic1219 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:58 PM:
Sarah #2, Neo's 24!!!!!!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 24 2004, 11:59 PM:
Neo's 24!? wow! LOL! I didn't know that. Okay, then I'm too young for him, LOL! :-p
LLSuperfanatic1219 Posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:00AM:
LOL!!!! Three years isn't that big of a difference Ms. "Drama Queen!"
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:01AM:
Lol. you're right.
LLSuperfanatic1219 posted: Jan 25 2004, 12:06AM:
If I had been incorrect, I don't think I would've said that!!!!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 25 2004, 01:38AM:
Very interesting. :-)
So I acted nochalant, hehe! Finding out that Neo was older than I had first expected, was interesting to me. Like I said, he began to stand out to me, I enjoyed joking around with him and spending time with him on the forum. Still where was this heading? I didn’t even know this guy personally. I knew next to nothing about him, except that he like Maroon 5, The black eyed peas, Basketball and of course Lindsay Lohan. This was crazy… I couldn’t have feelings for someone I’d never met! I didn’t even know his real name!
It wasn’t long though before my feelings started to reveal themselves right into my posts:
Thread: My poem about my ex-best friend
Neo-Genesis posted Jan. 25 2004,06:49PM:
Where's my advil?.....I need my advil!
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 26 2004, 05:56PM:
Here Neo, *hands Neo a bottle of advil* Take two and call me in the morning. (But then again, you might need more than just two hanging around these boards, lol.
Neo-Genesis posted Jan. 26 2004,07:26PM:
Sure. I'll call you, Sarah#2, but you forgot to give me your phone number......Can I have it, can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? (just playin')
Punkchick82 posted Jan. 26 2004,12:56PM:
LOL! You don't need my number Neo, all you have to do is say my name, and I'll be there. woah... mental flashback of parents frightening oldies.... wasn't that a song?
Neo-Genesis posted: Jan 27 2004, 01:31PM:
SARAH#2!!!!!!!!!! *cricket sounds, tumbleweed blows by*
Punkchick82 posted: Jan 27 2004, 05:56PM:
HAHAHA! You crack me me up Neo. BTW... where are we, if
there's tumbleweeds blowing by?
We were just playing at first. We would flirt back and forth on the boards acting silly, but it started to become apparent that Neo might be having similar feelings…
Punkchick92 posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:01PM
You mean spam in a can? Or computer spam, cuz if you luv it Neo, then I can certainly spam up your pm box, hee hee.
Neo-Genesis posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:03PM
Yeah, spam in a can....
And Sarah#2, if you spammed up my Pm box that would ROCK my world.
Punkchick92 posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:06PM
Watch out then....
Neo-Genesis posted: Feb. 04 2004,09:09
I'll be looking forward to it.
There was a private message feature in the forum. That acted almost like email. You had your own personal inbox and you could message other members. The very first private message I ever sent Neo was the lyrics to a Michelle Branch song.
'Cause you're Everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, it's you I see You're everything I know, that makes me believe I'm not alone…'
This was the first of many messages Neo & I would send back and forth to each other. We sent each other messages almost every day.
Hi Sarah! "Kumusta ka?"- that's Tagalog (my native language) for "How are you?".
"Salamat"- that's Tagalog for "Thank You". Thanks for the info on "Sleepless.....". I've probably watched little bits of it cuz I remember a scene where this kid is calling a radio station. Maybe next time, I'll get to watch the whole thing.
Time check: *thinking* "It's 2:30 a.m. here, that means it's 1:30 in the afternoon at Sarah's. I wonder what she's doing.....Hmmmmm."
Thanks for making me smile, I'll see ya when I see ya. Take care, God bless, F.B.
It was then Neo, became F.B. to me, or simply F for short. (Though he remained Neo on the forum itself whenever we talked.) He was 24 years old, he lived in the Philippines. He went to college, he had a younger sister, and still lived at home.
1. Full name: F.B. Felizen Christopher S. Bernardo.....pretty long, eh? F.B. is the initials of my Dad, Felizen is a combination of my parents' names (Felicisimo & Zenaida), Christopher (St. of travellers-my Dad's a ship captain, remember?) and S. stands for Salazar (Mom's maiden name).
I speak both tagalog and English equally. But I'm more comfortable reading and writing in English and there's still some tagalog words I'm confuzzled with. And when I'm thinking things through, I think in English......like right now- "I wonder when my letter's gonna arrive at Philly?". Confession: When I talk to myself (not aloud, but through my mind), I talk in English.....Yes, I'm crazy. LoL! Smile, Sarah. F.B.
We started to get to know each other more personally. And it became more obvious as the months passed that we were both starting to have feelings for each other.
Thread: Poems... poems... poems!!!:
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 2 2004, 05:24AM:
Okay... I'm still stuck in writer’s block mode. But I managed to squeeze out the beginnings of a sappy song.... so I thought I'd share what I have so far,
Verse 1: (not finished..) As the sun starts to set, a new day begins, I'm staring out the window pane, wondering what life for you will bring..................
Chorus: If I close my eyes, I see your smile.
And it feels like we're closer than a thousand miles.
When I close my eyes, I feel your hand in mine.
Your kiss on my cheek sweeter than wine
I want you here.... with me
But maybe this was the way things were meant to be
Living our lives separately.
I'm aggravated by those last two lines of the chorus, it sounds way too much like Michelle Branch, arrgh, but I can't think of another way to say it. Oh well, it's only a rough draft!
That's all I've got for now, lol.
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 2 2004, 01:47PM:
That's nice, Sarah#2.....It kinda reminds me of you.
Btw, I think I've got poster's block. LoL!
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 3 2004, 02:58AM:
Neo, I wonder why it reminds you about me. *blushes furiously*
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 3 2004, 12:58PM:
Hmmmm, let's see.....maybe it's because I feel that way for you, Sarah#2? Whatcha think?
Punkchick82 posted: Mar 3 2004, 03:14PM:
Maybe cuz it's about you... lol.
Neo-Genesis posted: Mar 4 2004, 11:48AM:
WOW! Then we feel the same way for each other, Sarah#2.
Punkchick82 Posted: Mar 4 2004, 01:04PM:
You just realized this Neo? lol.
We started emailing eachother outside the forum. I could check email on my phone while I was at work and almost every day I would find a short message from F.B.
I cannot forget Refuse to regret So glad I met you Take my breath away Make everyday Worth all of the pain I have gone through
Those are lines from another Maroon5 song- "The Sun". It's pretty straightforward really- I'm glad that I got the chance to know you, Sarah.....Well, that's my junk mail. See ya. F.B.
It was nice getting to know eachother and it didn't seem weird that only a few months prior we had been complete strangers. We were still complete strangers... I hadn't seen a picture of him yet and he had never seen a picture of me. I finally got brave enough to share a picture of myself when someone started a thread asking members to post their pictures. F.B. pm-ed me about it when he saw:
When I look at your pic- I see the girl I have fun with, the girl that makes me smile, the girl that makes me happy, the girl I like, the girl I love.....I see you, Sarah (Though where are your ears? LoL!). It's nice to see a smile on your face. Is there ever a time I put a smile on yours? Maybe you'll get to see a pic of me someday. That is, when I figure out how to do it. LoL! Have a nice day. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I hadn't told anyone about F.B. yet. I was afraid of stereotyping, that people would think I was out of mind. Sometimes I felt out of mind. What was I doing? He was so far away and how would we ever get together? Still... he had relatives in the United States so it was possible that we would meet one day. But still, what was I doing having feelings for someone I had never met? Had never seen a picture of? It was weird. It just felt right, I can't explain it. Like we were meant to be together.
My Cousin Chrissy & I were hanging out one day in late March. I had bought Maroon 5's c.d. because F liked them so much and 'She will be loved' was sort of our song at the time. I remember being in the car with my cousin listening to Maroon 5 and somehow I mentioned that a guy had recommended the c.d. to me. My cousin immediately asked, "Jimmy?" Jimmy was one of my close friends from church that I had alot of history with. I said "No... it was some another guy." I left it at that even though she was pretty curious. Eventually I wrote her an email about what had been going on for the past few months. I was afraid of her judging me or giving me a lecture. But she was understanding and wished I had told her about us sooner.
About Me
Blog
Long Distance Relationships
Philippines
The Beginning
Introductions...
On April 1st, 2004 we took a risk. It was the day we first said, "I love you." We hadn't even seen a picture of one another when we said those words... but was a risk worth taking. Flash Forward to 2008 & here we are, still together. Engaged 1 year already. Who knew 4 years ago we would be here today? I've started this blog to document our incredible long distance story. I'll be back tracking in our story until I reach what's going on with us currently. I will also be using some of our old posts and emails to tell our story. I hope you'll enjoy reading and sharing our long distance love story...
P.S. Please feel free to comment on any entries. You do not have to be on blogger.com to post a comment. Anyone can comment!
BTW: "Tunay Na Mahal" means, "True Love" in Tagalog. The national language of the Philippines.
